"He's a breath of fresh air. The happiness to my sadness. The calm to my anxiety. He's an equal and opposite force, blocking me from the course of self-hatred I've been hurdling down my entire life."
◊ ◊ ◊
Mikaela Martin is almost certain quarterbac...
"Are you going to the game tomorrow?" Lizzie Mendoza asks Mikaela.
"Yeah, I am," Mikaela replies quietly. "Are you?"
My ears perk up. This might be the chance I've been waiting for.
"Yeah, my brother's on the team this year, so I'm going with my parents," Lizzie sighs. I don't blame her for not sounding excited. Her brother is a freshman and rarely gets any time on the field. Considering tomorrow's game is against the highest ranked team in the league, I doubt Gabriel is going to play at all.
"You sound thrilled," Mikaela laughs. I really like her sarcastic side. You'd never know from just seeing her in class, but she's funny, with a dry sense of humor.
"Elated," Lizzie grumbles. "My dad always tries to backseat drive the games."
Mikaela giggles. "I'm going with Annalise, Sarah, and Liam if you want to sit with us," she offers. "Sarah's the only one who knows anything about football, but she doesn't backseat drive."
"If my parents don't make me sit with them, I definitely will," she says, sounding grateful.
Mikaela doesn't reply. Mrs. Payne enters the classroom, juggling a handful of folders. The second a teacher is inside the room, Mikaela always stops her conversation. Sometimes she cuts herself off mid-sentence. She must be terrified of getting in trouble or something, even though class hasn't even technically started yet and teachers love Mikaela.
She seems so stressed out all the time, but I feel like if she has a funny side, she has a relaxed side too. I could probably bring it out. Maybe. I don't know. I'll have to see.
Tomorrow I'm going to do it. I'm going to talk to her. I don't know what I'm going to say, but I won't leave the field before I do.
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"You going to the woods tonight?" Jake asks. Red droplets roll down his forehead and cheeks. Win or lose, he always dumps a bottle of Gatorade on his head after games.
"Uh, yeah," I reply, distracted. I don't really feel like going to the woods, but it's not like I have anything else to do, and my friends will never let me hear the end of it if I bail to go home early. My head always kills me the day after drinking, but if I go and don't drink or only have one beer, I'm bored out of my mind. I hate being around drunk people when I'm sober.
The woods are one of the reasons why I can't stand living in Ramsey. It's such a small town that there's nothing to do for fun except get drunk in the woods. The woods are fun if I go every once in a while, but going twice a week like I have been ruins it. I don't miss Gigi, but I do miss having an excuse to stay in on weekends. Girlfriends are the best excuses.
Not that Mikaela would ever want to be my girlfriend, but maybe something like whatever Robbie and Sarah have going on...
"Have you seen Robbie?" I ask Jake. Robbie's going to be with Sarah, who's going to be with Mikaela. If I ask Jake if he's seen Mikaela, he'll have a lot of questions. He wants me to be single and act like a player like him, which I don't want to do. Half the girls in our school hate him because he either played them, played one of their friends, or both.
I don't think he likes Mikaela much anyway. He's made a couple asshole comments about her being shy and nervous. He always hates people who aren't outgoing and confident. Mom thinks he's insecure. I thought she was wrong until he went off about how much he hates "nerds" at lunch last week. It was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I don't even think "nerd" and "jock" labels are things anymore, at least not outside Jake's head.
"Yeah, over there," Jake replies, pointing towards a group of people circled together.
I walk towards them, figuring I can say hi to Robbie and use it as an excuse to get into conversation with Mikaela. He knows what I'm after. I keep my eyes on the '35' on Robbie's back until I feel eyes on me, burning, almost like someone's glaring at me. I scan Robbie's group and see Liam Halloran shooting at me with his eyes. He's standing next to Mikaela. Very close to Mikaela. Robbie said they aren't together. I really hope that's still true...
Liam nudges Mikaela's arm and whispers something into her ear. She frowns, bites her lip, and then nods. I'm only a couple yards away when she and Liam walk directly out the nearby exit.
"What's up with him?" Lizzie Mendoza asks.
"Yeah, why was he even here?" Robbie chimes in.
Come to think of it, that's a good question. Last year's captain, Nolan, got in a fistfight with Liam after he kicked his sister out of his car by the side of the road. Liam's a pretty quiet guy, but he never hesitates to say something nasty when anyone on the team is in earshot, even though no one who's left on the Panthers had anything to do with it.
"Mikaela," Annalise and Sarah reply at the same time.
My stomach churns uncomfortably. Fuck the woods. I'm definitely not going tonight. I just want to go home now, but I can't just spin around and return to the benches to grab my stuff, not after I already walked over here. I'm an idiot. I should have brought it with me.
"Hey, guys," I say. I'm trying to keep my voice light, but I actually feel sick. I know I've barely talked to Mikaela, and she probably doesn't want anything to do with me, but she's been in my head for so long.
"What's up?" Robbie greets me.
"Just came over to see if you're, uh, going to practice Monday," I lie.
Robbie narrows his eyes. "Why wouldn't I go to practice?"
I shrug. Annalise saves me with a loud "good game!" and I force myself to make conversation for a couple minutes before lying that I need to go. I grab my bag off the bench, tell Jake I have a headache and can't go to the woods, and jog to my car.
Inside, I rest my head in my hands, rubbing my temples. Annalise and Sarah didn't sound excited about Liam coming for Mikaela. Aren't girls usually excited when their friends are going out with someone? Maybe he's into her but she doesn't feel the same way. That's got to be awkward for their small group, since the four of them are always together.
I'm not giving up, I decide. Not until she rejects me. I've got to find some way to talk to her. A note, maybe? Sounds like something that happens in one of the teen movies from the eighties that Mom watches, but Mikaela doesn't seem like she likes to draw attention to herself, and she's definitely shy, so maybe she'd feel more comfortable with a note.
Yeah, a note. I'm going to write her a note. I just need to find an excuse now, definitely one that's better than the lie I came up with for Robbie.
