To tell you the truth, I don't understand why I am hoenstly writing this.
Sure it help's get stuff off your chest.
But maybe it help's.
Maybe it will stop the dark thought's crouding my mind, maybe it will shine a light for me.
I haven't been feeling "normal" since I restarted school, and year 9 came around. September time, people kind of forgot about me, I was alone. Well not literally, sometimes as much as I wish, I will never be fully alone untill I leave home and decide what I wan't to do with my life.
You are probably gonna read this thinking "why the hell am I reading this pathetic low-life's story?" To be honest with you, I don't know why either. All I know is that today is the day after New year, 2013, this year will probably be as bad as last year.
And last year was bad.
Stop reading now if you want. I don't mind, not many people seem to mind me, I'm the quiet one, the shy one, the one that if you don't know me, you can judge and never understand me. To my three friends who might read this, you guy's are close to the only people I truly trust. And thank you for that. I have to admit, I have been feeling self-pitty, and swallowing it down isn't helping very much.
Sure I have Tumblr, and I has Wattpad, and SuperCity account's, but nothing really interesting happens on those site's, nothing new, all the same stuff. Maybe I'm the one who is not interesting? Maybe I am the one who is boring?
I am not getting anything done yet. Let's start. Well, I just read Unsaid Things by Mcfly, it was a good book, not as interesting as I thought it might be, not as authentic as I was hoping, but then again it is on kindle for me. I have to admit, latley, I have been wanting to run away. I don't like life, nothing seems to ever go okay for me.
People say life is a tunnel of non stop spinning, or your just taking life slowly. I must have stopped life almost completly, maybe I need a rehab? For mentaly-ill or metaly-craved minds like me, it would be so much better, I think that's what I need. I choose my GSCE's in Febuary, but I want to quit school. I don't want to do anything, I feel paranoia almost everyday.
I swear there is something wrong with me, part of my problem is I don't like to talk to certain people. Well most people honestly. I just prefer sitting at the back watching life go by, waiting for something that I know will never happen. Like getting away from human kind.
Now that would be nice. Tomorrow is Thursday, which means 4 day's till we go back to school for 7 weeks, get two weeks off, then go back for another 7 weeks untill we get 3 months off for summer time. Maybe I'm just in the wrong country. You see I might be English, but I have never lived in England. Forever I have lived on a Greek island.
Forever I have been surrounded by Greek people, I wan't to live in the U.K, don't care if it's Walse, or Scotland, or Ireland, most preferibly England itself, but life isn't fair and I might aswell be stuck under a rock for the rest of my life. If you grow up in a Greek Island, you don't tend to leave, unless something amazing happenes.
One band I have recently been getting into again is Mcfly, my brother brought their album "Wonderland" like 6 year's ago, and I found the CD in the front room. Their song "I'll be ok" really has alot of meaning to it, it helped with alot. At the moment, in my own time, when I am being a loner, I've been fighting with myself.
Almost like I have a two-set mind.
One is called Harry, the good one, the one that can handel most things, the one that help's.
The other is Hatty, the not so good one, the rebel, the one that can piss athousand people off at the same time.
It feel's like most of my life Harry has been stearing me, leading me, directing me to the right path, the angel on my shoulder, Harry has done alot for me. It was Harry who got me grades, who made me start Scouts, who made me Artistic, the one who helped me write.
But Hatty feels like she needs a place aswell, Hatty is the one stopping, or atleast slowing me down, or fueling me in a different sort of way, I prefer darker stuff to the things that I used to, I don't talk asmuch, I feel like Hatty has a completely different PoV to Harry.
I'm torn between the two.
I must have unlocked Hatty's cage, because I'm going through a rebelios stage.
It's not rebelious, it's time for a difference.
Yeah that's what you say.
Oh so you say different?
Yes I do.
As you can tell, I literally am at war, with myself. I think I'm not sociably-accepted, unlike some of my friends, well most of the people I call friends are more like acciantances. People I talk to, but I wouldn't call them friends. That word is thrown around with such ease, I don't understand why.
It might only be page 2 of my 364 page book, but if the rest of the year will be this shit with coming up with stuff to write or stuff to draw, then this year is going to be totally crap for me all around. If I was eight-teen then I might hit the bottle and get off my face every night, but I'm underage, so all I have is myself, and I am not the safest person the be around when I'm like this...
