Letters to Remember

Jan 5: To Se-ri

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Jan 5

North Korean Military Outpost, DMZ

My lovely Se-ri,

I broke my promise. I told you I would not write to you anymore, but I couldn't restrain myself. I barely lasted a week. With you not around, the absence of this communication with you, however flimsy it was, multiplied my anguish and despair. These letters are the only means through which I can pour my heart out to you, wishing somewhere my words are reaching you. Without these letters to sustain me, I became even more haggard and distressed. It was like losing you again. And I can't do it anymore. Consider it like one of our goodbyes. For us, it takes more than one farewell to actually part.

Where should I start? Well, first of all, I hope this New Year brings great joy and happiness to you Se-ri. Even when I can't be there by your side, remember you are the reason for my smiles now. As for me, if I be truthful, I'm still holding onto our memories from last year. You were such a beautiful parting gift for me the past year that I haven't been able to embrace the coming one.

What did you do on New Year's eve? I hope you partied (that's what we used to do in Switzerland) and spent time with your friends and family. Now that I think of it, you never shared much about yourself with me. How I wish I could call you up or meet you and get to know you more.

For us on 31st night, the temperatures were numbing cold at the onsite. Me, Kwang-beom and Joo-meok lit up a cozy bonfire. Pyo Chi-su egged us all to have some ageing wine that he labels as 'medicine'. I just had a few sips. I wish I could have had more, but I was still on duty. Getting drunk might have helped numb this emptiness gnawing at my heart. Joo-meok started talking about another South Korean drama he'd seen and the conversation suddenly shifted back to you. I didn't realize they were also feeling this void of your absence. Eun-dong looked like he might cry- in addition to being unable to see his family, he was saying he lost an elder sister. Pyo Chi-su tried to cheer us all up, even tried to bad mouth you- saying you weren't fit to live here with your capitalist and extravagant lifestyle. And then as the night darkened, he became drunker. When the others had drifted off to sleep, he pulled me closer and asked if I'd thought of some way to meet you. He promised that if I ever needed their help to get together with you, he and our team would always be there to back me up. I was touched by his affection. I told him it wasn't possible. He got angry and before he fell asleep, he mumbled, and I quote his exact words, "you should have married her when she was here. And then she would have stayed."

Isn't that such a silly thing to say Se-ri? But all night I kept staring at the sky wondering how it would have been like if we'd gotten married for real. I don't even know if you like kids. Do you? I would have liked twins- maybe a girl and a boy. Maybe if my parents could defect with me, then we could have eloped to Switzerland and lived there? Would you have liked that? I chose Switzerland because that is where our story had begun, long before we realized it ourselves. But even as I say this, even amidst the stupor of alcohol and sleep, it sounds incredibly far-fetched, not to mention insane.

It's about bedtime now. Just so you know, I have been sleeping better now. To get over you, I got more active- took on more duties and did lot of physical crunching exercises. I volunteered for maximum physical labor so that when I came back to the camp, I was drained out. Though it still took time and effort to pull myself away from your thoughts, these past few days I've managed to catch a decent amount of sleep. I even have weird dreams. To give you an idea, just this morning, I dreamt that our governments agreed for the unification of the Korean peninsula. I know, I know- I sound like a desperate Romeo, which I pretty much have become, courtesy you.

But would this Romeo have to live without his Juliet too?

Jyeong-hyeok