Ursa Minor (On hiatus)

Tiny suns

Dedicated to all of you lovely readers! Thanks for having faith in me!

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I fidgeted as I sat by my desk. Dark dreary afternoon. My face faintly reflecting in in the window as I looked up. The sky was dark and filled with swelling clouds. The daylight quickly fleeing, the days shorter and shorter. There had been the smell of snow in the air again when I had walked home from school some hours ago. It surely was cold enough for it. My ears still red, prickling from the wind. But even now halfway through December the ground was still stubbornly moist and dark. The trees left shivering and bare. Depressing. I'd even joined in when Allen lamented the lack of 'proper winter' yesterday. I tapped my pen against the notepad lying on my desk, feeling unfocused. And as usual nowadays when I felt unfocused, I thought of Allen. Or maybe it was thinking of him that made me unfocused. Wasn't sure of what came first.

Today marked ten days until Christmas Eve, ten days since I'd sat down next to him in his library hideout feeling like maybe it was going to be ok. Or more like even if I wasn't 100% ok all of the time it was still, well ok. I cringed, thinking about myself cuddled up in the bed feverish and sweaty, brimming with tears. Ugh. Me like 10% ok. Not my lowest, but still, pretty fucking low. Allen seeing that had strangely made it easier not to worry so much. Because people knowing had been a part of it. Epiphany. I hadn't really known that. How fucking scared I had been of people knowing. How much it had held me back. Like it would be the end of the world if someone knew. Turn out it hadn't. Maybe it did help. Maybe my therapist had been right. Maybe I should send her a Christmas card. So yeah, I would never be William Bradford. Telling jokes surrounded by laughing friends. But still. Not a total recluse now.

I snorted, drew tiny circles and dots in the notepad margin. My thoughts circling in on Allen again. Inevitably. After I'd told him it was like we'd grown closer. Maybe too close; I wasn't sure. The other weekend at Kat's birthday party. We'd gone there earlier with Trish and Mel and Leo. Sitting crammed up on the bed watching Kat completely un-bashfully trying on different dresses while Trish and the rest did the same with earrings and colorful makeup. Hair becoming braided and unbraided. Allen had brought his polaroid camera, and the girls kept posing like super models and snapping pictures of each other in various stages of undress, with or without neon lip gloss and dangling hoops. 

"Didn't you tell me it's kinda expensive? The film?" I'd asked Allen quietly. 

"Like 2 dollars each," He had shrugged, easily smiling at my raised eyebrows. "It's her birthday." 

I'd hummed, shifting among Kat's unwrapped birthday presents and furry pillows. Just ending up sitting closer to Allen. My arm pressed against his. Again in that farmboyish plaid shirt. Like it was his idea of fancy dressing. So genuinely Midwestern somehow.  

"We're going to Minnesota sometime?" I asked seemingly right out of the blue. I had come to like asking Allen questions like that. He never seemed to mind, but then, he was pretty good at doing the same thing himself. 

Allen laughed. "You'd like to?" He'd asked, looking at me almost challenging. Like it was so unlikely for me to want to. I had just simply nodded, not letting go of his gaze. His face shifting, suddenly thoughtful. His eyes almost too intense as they met mine. 

"I really hope so," he had added lowly. Too low for anyone else to hear. His warm hand curling around my elbow. Out of sight for the others. Too close for comfort for me. But I hadn't pulled away. And wasn't sure if I'd been grateful when Trish crashed onto my lap a second later. The camera already in her hand she ordered us to smile.

I hadn't gotten drunk or done stupid things that night. Instead I'd spent the reminder of the party trying to ignore the part of my mind that wanted to replay the feeling of Allen's hand curling around my arm over and over. All while being hyper aware of his presence. Like a tiny moon in orbit around a burning planet. Or maybe it was the other way around. Him orbiting, while laughing with Trish or helping Kat with the camera. Whatever. The whole night he was never more than an arms-length away. And I really didn't want him any further than that. Even if we didn't really do anything besides listening to Leo telling a joke and laughing together. Catching each other's eye from across the room. Then Allen had stayed behind and helped clear away the traces of birthday celebration with me and Trish and Mel. Kat snoring on the couch. I'd stacked glasses and thrown away paper plates with this crazy lovely feeling of lightness bubbling inside. Just so fucking happy with my life and my friends. So fucking happy to sit next to him on the ride home and just feel. I smiled at the memory, drawing lines, rays of light around the circles. Tiny suns in charcoal gray.