It's a little nerve wracking since I don't have his number. But maybe it's a good thing so I don't have to worry about calling him first. He'll call me when he's ready.
Or he could never call me. He's probably occupied with his departmental matters and research. My mind raced with these thoughts. It feels shitty when you've spent so much time and try so hard to be a better person, and all those years of progress are being undone with the arrival of one person.
Des already picked up on it. Every nervous tick I had since I was a kid reappeared within the last few days. Tapping, scratching, nail biting, tremors, all of it. If it was a few years ago I'd just skip class or ask for an extension. But I'm an adult now, and I'm responsible for myself. The real world doesn't care that you're depressed or anxious or frankly, just mentally ill. They don't care that you're trying your hardest, or how much you've overcome. They just see you at your lowest and kick you down. That's the world.
I didn't choose to be here so I comply. After I came back to New York, I spent a few months crying. Then it was time to graduate and I only had a kernel of a plan of what to do afterwards. I just woke up one morning and decided this wasn't what I wanted. I realized that I've lost so many years to this illness. My teenage and college years. I alienated so many people in process, including myself.
I told myself that he was just a fixation- a physical manifestation of whatever leftover traumas I didn't care to deal with, I knew that throughout whatever we had, but I couldn't accept that. The tension was more than a fixation. I never stopped thinking about him. Until that day I woke up and decided that it was enough.
I threw out my pills and my last box of cigarettes. I went to therapy. Started working out. I did a lot. It was an incredible feat for a girl so terribly fucked up like me.
But it hurt knowing that he was growing. Even if he wasn't truly happy, he had a wife and a stable job. A close relationship with his family. It was beautiful. He had all of that. In the moment I didn't understand it, but now it makes sense. There's solace in stability- knowing what's going to happen next.
I set myself on that path but as you can see I'm slowly breaking down, I just feel it.
I mediate, I drink green tea, and I still want to fucking kill myself.
Don't say that Lucia. That's silly.
Ugh. I can't even think about it. There's more to me than just him.
I probably spent hours just staring at my ceiling. I ignored the pile of grading I had. I love my students but I can't bother with that right now. I ordered Szechuan food from this restaurant in the Village. I should drown my sorrows out in spicy food and a glass of wine.
I stared out my window. There were two taquerias across from each other. A pizzeria. A pharmacy owned by Mr. Santos, our old neighbor. A check cashing place. It was always busy. It's weird to feel so alone in one of the most populous city. The sun was going down and people were coming home. They turned the streetlights on. Traffic filled the roads while people tried not to get hit by a car. I've seen some people try and get hit by a bus, so they could sue the MTA. I heard their payouts were good. Despite the all the things people said about here, I was glad to be here. We've been washed away by the wealth of the city yet we're still here. People like Angela, push us to the periphery, but were still here. It's things like this that get me out of the funk.
And suddenly my mind felt clear and the cinder block on my chest was lifted.
Breathe.
I audibly inhaled and exhaled. I consumed myself in the sound of my own breaths. I drowned out the ringing in the background. I heard a thick accent, softly speaking in the background.
"It's my first Saturday night back and it's quite lonely..."
I jolted to the living room to pick up the phone before his 30 seconds were up.
"Hello?" I said in an exasperated breath.
"Oh, hey! I'm glad you picked up."
I nervously laughed between his last words.
"Um. Well, I'm sort of nearby. Well not nearby, I'm just on the East side and I wanted to know if you wanted to catch a movie or something."
"Actually I just ordered some food so I'm staying in."
"Oh," he said in a regretful voice.
"I could order some for you."
His voice, I couldn't even here it but it lit up. I can see him making an "ah, that's an idea!" type of face. One eyebrow up, slightly crunched in the middle.
"I'll be there in 20 minutes."
____________________________________
Are you guys ok with short chapters? I always have a little bit of the next chapter down but I don't always have the time to write a lengthy chapter. I just want to get stuff out so you're not always waiting too long. let me know :)
