He hasn't called me in 6 days. The first two days were reserved for crying between classes. By day 3 I decided to take control of this narrative to save my ego from deteriorating further. I hate him now. I want bad things to happen to him.I spent day 4, 5, and 6 thinking of things that disgust me about him so I could be repulsed by him. I thought of the patchy razor bumps on his neck after a fresh shave. One time I met him after a jog and he smelled extremely musty. I have to think of all of the icks to get over him. But the reality is that he doesn't have many. I'm not capable of rational thought in this moment.
I can't wear my heart on my sleeve again. Especially not now. But I'm failing horribly.
What I remind myself is this: he did not commit to me the first time, why would he the second time around? People find out if they want to be with someone within the first six months. He had more than 6 straight months with her. If I count all the days I spent with him, I'm not sure if it would even add up to 6 months. Consistency is also an important factor that I do not have the liberty of exercising. An impossibility now that I scared him off. He needs space. I need space. I will give myself the distance in order to ease the tension. I wish I had a reset button instead which would forget that I even tried that. Hell, I'd reset the last few years.
I just have to live with myself. I can bury myself in my work. The routine of a teacher can either limit you or be a great freedom. I couldn't give two shits about doing things by the book. Maybe I'll try a little harder with my students. I'm this close to radicalizing then anyways.
I will fill my time with so much bullshit that I wont even remember how I got here in the first place. I grabbed a pen and legal pad. I wrote a long and exaggerated list of his cons, or so called icks. I ripped it out, scrawled today's date and "to do" in big letters.
Should I call him? Maybe I can suggest the Met? A very public space. We won't have time to focus on each other. Why would we there anyways? It's a very sensual place in my opinion. Will he think the same?
I need to stop. I grabbed my tightly sealed jar of herb and grinded it to small specs. I need to take the edge off.
I'm being needy. I can't call him. He made it loud and clear that he doesn't want me. How quickly does that repulsion turn on me. I almost snapped my wrist aggressively twisting my grinder that was clearly overstuffed with bud.
I loaded my bowl and briefly lit it so the vapor could coat my lungs. My anxiety floated off my body. How quickly I turn to self medication in times like this. Why does he have this grip on me? Even the weed couldn't iron out the wrinkles between my brows. While my heartbeat stabilized, my face remained locked in serious thought. Yet I felt so unserious in the moment. The best thing I can do for myself is nothing.
Problems arise after my actions, my inaction is what keeps me safe. My impulsivity has gotten me in these situations. Its hard to admit that the best option right now is to stay silent. No contact. He's expressed that he doesn't want to see me. I will not chase him anymore. I make this promise to preserve my newfound pride. It doesn't involve being with Cillian. It doesn't need his touch.
Let's see how long that lasts.
