Fades To Black (Complete)

August- The Birthday

"Happy Birthday Brother"

My sister places a soft kiss on my cheek and squeezes my shoulder before heading across the kitchen to my mother and wrapping her arms around her neck

She's crying.

I know she's trying to hide it from me, trying not to upset me but grief like ours doesn't hide. It's in every look, every word, every breath, it never leaves, not for one second does it relinquish the hold it has on you

I look to my dad, he's sat at the table opposite me, we're separated by just some wood and a small, square birthday cake but we might as well be separated by oceans.

His gaze is fixed squarely on the table top, his glasses pushed into his hair, his attention anywhere but here

"How's Camila?" My mother asks quietly, the state of my relationship with my wife has never been spoken about but it's obvious to everyone that loves us that we are falling apart

"She's okay" I lie.

My wife is anything but okay. She's shattered into millions of broken pieces, each piece is blowing hopelessly on a wind that takes her further and further from me

"Would you like a beer? It's your birthday after all" my mom reaches for the fridge door

"No" I say quickly "I'm trying not to" Sure at first the alcohol helped to blot out the pain, it helped me escape to a false kind of reality but it didn't take long for me to realise that under the influence I became reckless and unstable, the destruction of my wife's much loved kitchen was testament to that

"Cake?" My poor mother. Trying everything she can to make this a birthday like any other. The decorations, the balloons, the cake but it's all for nothing. There's nothing to celebrate anymore and everyone knows that in fact everyone has given up even trying

"Sure" I say it for her sake. The woman that carried me for 9 months, who gave birth to me and then gave me my best friend... my sister.

The woman that screamed uncontrollably when told of her granddaughters death, who collapsed to the floor and needed to be sedated to help her cope. I can tell by the look in her eye that she's medicated now but I can't blame her, we're all just doing what we can to survive

With a shaky hand she cuts four slices of cake and then puts them on her best china plates and hands them to each of us. Our faces stare at the cake, the same green look on each one, as though the last thing in the world we want is to eat but my dad takes the first bite, anything for his wife and then Aaliyah and I follow

"Elena always loved her grandmas cake" my dad says and then drops his slice back down onto the plate

"I made it just as she liked it" my mothers strength is giving out, her voice is trembling, her eyes wet

"Thank you" I whisper, knowing I'm on the verge of losing it myself. I hear my dad gulp down his emotion as Aaliyah drops her plate to the kitchen bench and then flees

"I'll go to her" says my mum hurrying after her daughter as my entire family drown in the grief we feel for mine.

*************************

"How was it?" Camila asks as I walk into the living room and throw my weight down on to the couch

"Terrible" it's the truth

"I'm sorry I didn't come"

"They understood"

"They always do"

It's the most we have spoken to each other in months and although it's tense and forced it's what I needed, especially today, especially with the way I just spent the last few hours

"My mum made cake, just the way Elena used to like it" Camila looks up at me, her eyes sparkling with tears and I realise I can't remember the last time I saw her cry.

She's just gone through the most horrendous loss a human being can ever experience, the grief has altered every part of her but she doesn't cry. She doesn't scream and shout and question why us, she just... exists

"She blew up balloons and all I could think about was Elena chasing them at her birthday parties, she put up banners and I could remember us doing the same just 6 months ago"

"Shawn"

"6 months Camila, 6 FUCKIN MONTHS!" I bury my head in my hands as I feel my entire body begin to shake with fury and emotion and grief

"It's not fair" she whispers, moving closer to me and my head snaps up to stare at her and I'm sure my eyes are as wild as my soul feels

"I can't do this" tears sting my eyes "I can't live like this, I can't live without her" my chin shakes as I feel my entire being begin to cave in on me

"We have to"

"What if I can't?"

"It's not an option" I gaze into my wife's face, she's pale and thin and her beautiful chocolate coloured eyes are matt

"This isn't living" I whisper suddenly taking her face in my hands "This is hell"

"I know" she lifts her finger and traces the outline of my mouth and with that one touch everything combusts.

My mouth is on hers as tears streak my face, she's tearing at my shirt as I heave down her leggings and her panties and pause only once to look for consent which she grants immediately.

What happens next isn't soft or gentle, it's nothing like our love making of the past but what about our lives is anything like the past?

I'm greedy as I take everything I can from her body and she's the same as she claws at me demanding more and more, our desperation to escape causing us to collide in a violently beautiful mess on our couch