Fades To Black (Complete)

December- The End

Shawn

If you had asked me this time last year where I would be spending Christmas morning I would have told you I would be at home with the two loves of my life, holding my wife in my arms as we watch our 5 year old daughter tear into the gifts 'Santa' had brought for her.

I would have told you how the house would smell of turkey cooking and how we would be sipping on mulled wine waiting for both mine and Camilas families to arrive

If you had told me this time last year that I would be spending Christmas morning sat at my daughters graveside, whilst my wife from whom I am separated whispers words of love into a tombstone I would have told you that you were out of your mind, there's no way my life could turn into such a nightmare not when we had worked so hard to build ourselves the 'dream'.

But here I am.

7am on Christmas morning and I'm sat on the grass next to where my daughter is buried, Camila manically cleaning the stone and repeating over and over how much we love Elena and how we will never forget her

This is the first time Camila and I have spoken in weeks.

When I moved out and back in with my parents I had hoped distance and time might make our relationship a bit more manageable but in truth it just increased the distance and difficulties between us

"Can you please stop cleaning?" I ask, my voice irritable, her obsession, irritating

"And do what Shawn?"

"Be still"

"Why? So I can think? So I can dwell?"

"So we can just be. Be here with our daughter. With each other. With both of our babies"

It's the first time I can remember acknowledging the child growing in her stomach, I hadn't meant to deny it or be such a dick about it but Elena was my baby, my world, I never wanted to lose her and I definitely never wanted to replace her but talking to my dad has made me realise this baby isn't a replacement, it's a being all of its own and it deserves love and care and no matter how terrifying having another child is right now I'm sure over time my mind and body will adapt to it, will let the love begin to seep in and the blind fear of all the things that could go wrong to slowly begin to seep out

Stilling, Camila lets the cloth drop from her hand to the grass before she also drops down on to it and pulls her knees to her chest

"How are your parents?" She asks without looking at me

"Sad. For Elena, for us" She nods but still refuses to look up "Yours?"

"The same. Trying to keep going, for Elena, for us" she unconsciously rubs her stomach and I can't help but smile slightly

"How's the pregnancy going? I'm sorry I haven't been as involved as I should have been"

"Or at all" she says bitterly and I can't blame her "but fine, perfect actually, just like with Elena"

We both sit in silence, our daughters name hanging heavily between us

"Remember the first time you felt her move?" I don't know why that memory comes back to me but Camila giggles a little at the thought

"In the middle of the subway, everyone crammed together, you pressed up against my bump to make sure she didn't get hurt and she gave you a good hard kick"

We both shake our heads and then the silence descends once more

"It's no wonder she turned out to be so good at soccer"