Fades To Black (Complete)

September- The Guilt

I keep my eyes closed and pretend I'm asleep as I hear Shawn moving throughout the house.

This is my routine these days, ever since his birthday...

Every since I allowed myself to behave in such a disgusting way.

My stomach turns at just the thought of me letting Shawn touch me like that.

We just buried our child a few months earlier and here I am allowing myself to feel pleasure

I screw my eyes shut as I fight the wave of nausea that hits me like the regret that hit me like a ton of bricks just as my body stopped shaking beneath his

"See you tonight" I hear him shout but I don't respond, I just keep up the pretence that I'm asleep so I don't have to engage with him

They say there's no right way to grieve but I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the word that managed to find the wrong way to grieve. To dirty my child's memory by throwing myself at her father less than 6 months after her death.

I kick back the covers and then walk into the shower turning it on and then off, on and then off

1-2-3-4-5

As the water begins to run hot I turn it as high as I can possibly stand and then pull off my nightshirt and step under the flow

The scalding water burns as the steam rises and threatens to suffocate me but I endure the pain as I reach for a sponge and sqeeze 5 drops of body wash on to it

Starting at my feet I scrub 5 times to he left and then 5 times to the right and then move half an inch up and repeat the process

I can still feel Shawns hands on my skin, his breath on my neck and I want to scrub and scrub and scrub until ever place he touched is rubbed away forever

What would people say if they knew how easily I had forgotten my child?

If they knew that for those moments on the couch all I cared about was the needs of my body. The body that had made her and then carried her, given birth to her, held her, fed her, soothed her and then cradled her as she lay cold and lost, her body empty, her soul gone

Moving to my second foot I begin scrubbing but my mind refuses to give me peace

'Mr. Mendes we did everything we could'

I wanted to scream that they didn't do enough as my mothers hand clamped around my wrist, the whimpering noise she was making confirming what I knew was about to come

'Your daughter is gone'

Gone?

Gone where?

She's 5 years old for Gods sake where the fuck could she have she gone?!

My mind couldn't comprehend what was being said, in truth it still can't

I scrub my legs

1-2-3-4-5

1-2-3-4-5

But still my mind refuses to give in to the blankness I crave

The walk to where she lay was cold, I remember the way I shook as though there wasn't a drop of blood left in my body to carry the warmth

Shawn was silent, he didn't utter a word to me, didn't look at me or comfort me, we just stared straight ahead as we got closer and closer to the room, my breath getting lighter and lighter without me realising until everything went white and I crumpled to the floor

1-2-3-4-5

1-2-3-4-5

She looked beautiful

Her skin soft but cool to touch

Her black curls were pushed back from her face , her eyes closed, her long, thick lashes resting against her cheek

She looked just as she had that morning as I sat with her waiting for her to wake up and here I am less than 12 hours later once again sitting next to her begging her to wake up, desperate to shake her and scream at her to wake up

Gone...

But she was still there

Gone...

They would take her soon but I wanted to grab her and hold her and never let anyone else near

She's mine... MINE!!!!!

I slam my hands into the tiles of the shower wall as the first sob hiccups out of my chest

'Mrs. Mendes it's time to go'

Go where?

Where can I possibly go without her?

How can I possibly leave her behind?

How can I possibly live without her?

I wanted to scream at the doctor that he couldn't have her, I made her, I was the only one that could have her but I sat in silence just staring and praying and begging her to wake up.

This couldn't be real

None of it can be real

The hiccup of a sob soon becomes a scream as I claw at the shower walls.

I don't know what I'm saying, what I'm feeling but it hurts and it's all consuming

I crash down onto my knees my tears burning my face more than the scalding water that's pouring down on me as my desperate screams and sobs fill the small space and I hit the walls and the floor, my blood mingling with shower water and making delicate swirls as it heads towards the drain but I feel no physical pain, all I can feel is my soul screaming in an agonising desperation. Giving in to everything I have been running from ever since my daughter was taken from me

Over and over I lash out at anything I can find until my screams begin bouncing back at me, making their way through the thick steam and ringing in my ears, finally making sense for the first time since my being began to give way

"MY BABY!" I scream my voice hoarse, my throat sore "MY BABY! I WANT MY BABY! ELENA!!!"

Exhausted I finally crumple to the ground and give my body over to the sobs that are wracking every part of me

"My baby... please God I just want my baby, why did it have to be her? Why did you have to have her?"