The GEEKs

13. Christian coke and psychodynamics

Shit, I can't believe it, but sometimes I feel like I care about this long distance relationship more than Dee does. To her, there's no compromises. It's either I go to Colorado to see her or we just don't see each other until Christmas break. Don't be unreasonable, Jerry. I'm not! I don't have time, or money...or desire to go to Colorado right now. Or ever, really.

I restock the last water cooler and stack the empty five gallon bottle on top of the other ones and shake the cart a little by the handles to make sure they won't fall off. Ah I don't know why this is so hard. It's like I almost care more about the fact that Dee doesn't care than I care about the relationship itself... I know, that sounds fucking sociopathic, but it feels that way, when I really think about it. I don't know why, I don't know why I keep trying... It's like on one hand, my friends are right when they constantly remind me that I could break it off and start seeing someone new, someone right here, in Seattle. But Dee... I love Dee. It's been almost a year now, a whole year. I've never been with anyone for that long. And she's helped me through some real heavy shit too. It just seems...wrong to throw all that away.

Plus, what if she's the one? Fuck, I've always thought that's bullshit, that whole soulmate thing, and I still do, but what if I'm wrong? Or, okay, let's say Dee's definitely not the one, but what if she's the best I can do? What if I'll end up alone if I'm not with her? What if I never make a real connection with anyone else? I'd definitely be alone right now if we broke it off, that's for sure...

I stop in front of the elevators and press the down arrow. The one on the right will get here first. Annnd, ding! I was right, I always have good luck at guessing. I'm about to push the cart inside once the doors open wide enough but I stop myself at the last second before squishing Lizzy to death, or at least breaking a couple of her limbs.

"Whoops!" I stagger slightly and wheel the cart in sideways, packing myself into the elevator too.

Lizzy giggles and gives me a big, yet tired smile. "Hey, Jerry. How's it going?"

"Hey! It's going pretty good. You wanna go all the way down?"

"Huh?" She gives me the most perplexed look, drawing a laugh out of me this time.

"To the staff floor?"

"Oh... Yeah!"

"So you're heading home too?"

"Yeah. It's been a long day. Although I did find twenty dollars on a bed in one of the rooms today. I just hope the person won't come back looking for it, that would be so awful," she sighs while untangling a scrunchie from her hair and fluffing it up with her fingers, which consequently makes the elevator smell like peaches and flowers. "I just wish I never had to work room service shifts, it gets so boring sometimes. Then again, I barely know anyone who doesn't get bored at their job. I feel like I miss university a little too, you know? More variety of things to do. Maybe I should find an internship or something... Really, working room service I barely ever get to talk to anyone, I'm just going from room to room, replacing towels and folding toilet paper tips."

"Well that's what I'm here for, talk away!" It's kind of amusing to watch her talk, anyway. It's like there's too much going on in her head so she keeps jumping from one thought to another with little logic in the transition. "Plus, you owe me a shocking fact about your life."

"Well... What constitutes as shocking?"

"Anything, really," I shrug. "Something I couldn't guess myself?"

"Hm..." Lizzy narrows her eyes with that cheerful smile unfading from her face. "I'm a catholic."

"You gotta try harder, Lizzy," I gently poke the little cross pendant while the elevator stops with a faint ding and the doors slide open. I noticed the cross the first time I met Lizzy anyway; I guess I could say I'm drawn to things like that, more so lately than ever before.