Goodbye My Delusion | TXT Beomgyu

21

When my boyfriend broke up with me, I sat on his bed and awaited his words after he let out a sigh and the words "We need to talk."

I knew no good news could follow, that our relationship would be changed just with the sentences he said next. At the very best, we'd grow apart a fraction. At the worst, we would be severed for eternity. Even though I was hoping for the former, I knew deep down that it wouldn't be the case. Because his words carried the weight of bad news, a heaviness that made all the air in the room press against my lungs.

"I think we should just be friends."

I knew he was trying to soften the blow. I knew that he wanted to split us apart in one definite motion, and my sensitive feelings were getting in the way of doing so. He looked me straight in the eye, and that's when I realized that he was deciding that this day was the last time we'd ever be this close. Even though our hands were intertwined, I couldn't feel any warmth. His breath caressed my cheek in a fatal touch. One shot. One kill. Our love was dead.

I tried my best to patch up the wound he inflicted. I stared long into his eyes, wondering if he would retract his words. I told him that I still loved him, that I would fix things if I did something wrong. He accepted none of my attempts, saying that there was nothing I could do. In many ways, this hurt more than if I actually did something to tear us in different directions.

The point is, the moment before he said the words that would change us, I experienced the mix of cold and hot despair. I feel the same exact thing when Naomi and Joyce enter the building. Naomi's strawberry blonde hair is unmistakable, and Joyce's jet black hair offers a perfect accompaniment to a pair of wild hunters.

"Do you know them?" Beomgyu asks, his face open in innocence.

I want to lie, to say that I don't. But Naomi and Joyce are quickly approaching across the cafe. Their loud announcement upon entry has garnered the attention of the other customers.

"I saw them at the BigHit cafe," I say. "I—you shouldn't pay them any attention."

Naomi and Joyce makes my instructions impossible. They practically shove themselves against our table, brushing by so closely. "Jayden, wasn't it? Look at you trying your hardest to become fake friends."

Beomgyu's eyebrows immediately furrow. "Excuse me?"

Naomi's words immediately soften when they address her idol. "Beomgyu, you have to realize you're better than this. You don't have to be so nice with someone who's obviously trying to use you."

Joyce hums in agreement. "Beomgyu, you're our superstar. Don't let Jayden weigh you down with his sob stories."

"What are you talking about?" Beomgyu's ears turn red, and he shows a scowl that makes the girls take two steps backward.

"Jayden is gay," Naomi says, enunciating each word like Beomgyu doesn't understand. "He has a gross crush on you. And he joined the program just so he could brush shoulders with TXT."

"That's not true," Beomgyu says. "If you really did care about me, you'd leave me alone. I'm the only one who can decide who my true friends are."

"But we're your true fans," Joyce says. "We're looking out for you, Beomgyu. We want you to be safe and happy."

Naomi and Joyce's voices may sound sweet, but they have an acidic undertone clearly directed at me. I want to get up and run. I want a brick wall with the thickness of a foot to come between me and the girls. I want out.

Beomgyu stands up. "If you're really my fans, you should leave us alone. I don't appreciate people who invade my friends' space and tell lies about them."

"We're just warning you," Naomi says. "We'll leave. But know that one day, the truth will come out. People like Jayden are totally undeserving of idols like you."

Naomi winks at me, curling her lips like a jaguar. Joyce covers her mouth as a giggle bubbles in her mouth. Both girls turn their backs and leave, but they don't take any of the damage with them. I feel my heart trying to repair itself from the multiple holes they fired into me. My vision goes blurry, and I clutch my chest as the room spins in a full round.

"Are you okay?" Beomgyu is standing up. His hands steady my shoulders. I almost tip myself out of my seat, but he's there to steady me. His hands are warm and firm, so different from the cold expanse that's growing in my spirit.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," I say. "I saw them at the cafe—they threatened me, but I thought it was only a one time event."

Beomgyu's face scrunches up. "Those two are nasty people. Those aren't true fans, Jayden. Don't feel like you're taking advantage of me in any way. It's all lies."

Even with Beomgyu's words denying the girls' attack on me, I can't help but wonder whether there is some truth in their words. Of course, I had no idea that Beomgyu would room with me in Hankuk. But I did agree to treating him like my boyfriend just so that I can heal from a bad breakup. That's treading in dangerous waters, and protective fans will obviously find a problem within my situation.

And being gay? Of course many people will find a problem with me rooming with a male idol. I can't help my identity, but if more people find out... I really could be targeted by fans all across the world. Naomi and Joyce could be just the first of a tidal wave of hate directed my way.

"Why didn't you tell me you ran into them?" Beomgyu asks me.

"I didn't want to bother you," I say. "I knew you have a lot on your plate already, with practicing for the performance and our classes. I didn't want to ruin your summer by worrying you."

Beomgyu takes his seat again, once I calm down enough not to shiver in my chair. The customers resume their talking, directing their attention away from the drama that occurred not even a minute before. "Hey. I care about you. You can tell me this kind of stuff."

For some reason, my despair at the girls' entrance morphs into irritation at Beomgyu's words. "Beomgyu, you're an idol. That means you have a ton to worry about already. You don't need to burden yourself with my problems as well."

"Aren't you my friend?" Beomgyu asks, a tiny strain to his whisper.

I nod my head, almost violently. "Of course you are! But that doesn't mean you're responsible for keeping me okay in every situation. I don't want to be a helpless puppet."

Beomgyu's face darkens. "Jayden, I thought we were close. If someone bullies you, especially because of me, I want to know."

I shake my head, which doesn't help my current dizzy situation. "I think you shouldn't worry yourself with me so much. You've already done enough for me."

Beomgyu is silent as he sits and drinks his strawberry smoothie. He doesn't speak until the last centimeter of red is sucked from the base of his glass. "Let's go home."