Goodbye My Delusion | TXT Beomgyu

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Right after classes on Friday, I head with TXT to the studio in Gangnam, where they will perform their entire debut album for a crowd of lucky fans.

"We saved a special seat for you," Beomgyu says. "Right in the front row."

We pull up to the parking garage, and from there I'm directed to one of the staircases which will lead me to the audience section. TXT is shuffled away by their manager to the direction of backstage. Beomgyu gives me a confident wave, as he follows his members to prepare for the show.

I pull out the ticket Beomgyu gave me earlier today. It's a sturdy, black and white card which says "Section A: 5." After ascending the staircase, I find myself right outside the studio, where a ton of TXT fans are already waiting outside.

I soak in the infectious energy, the sounds of excited fans awaiting their chance to see their favorite artists. Someone hands me a banner, which reads a Korean slogan which I think translates to "We love you forever." Here, I become just as excited as the people around me. Once the doors are open for seating, I have a healthy jitter about me—buzzing off the anticipation of watching TXT perform.

In what feels like either minutes or an hour, the lights dim and an introductory soundtrack begins. The piano mixes with EDM as the words TOMORROW X TOGETHER flash on the screen in alternating tones of blue and yellow.

"TXT! TXT!" The fans shout as the music turns blaring. It eventually turns to silence, and the fans follow along by changing their shouts to hushed whispers.

Finally, the members of TXT walk out on stage. Huening Kai, Beomgyu, Yeonjun, Taehyun, and Soobin look stunning in high school uniforms, and they flash their brilliant smiles to the crowd. In return, screeches rise up in a deafening wave.

"Thank you all for coming," Soobin says in Korean. "We hope you all enjoy the show."

Thank you God for my beginner Korean classes. At least I can make out the basics as the members introduce themselves. I believe Huening Kai calls himself cute at least twice, and keeping with tradition, Beomgyu calls himself the mood maker of the group.

Soon, it's time for the opening song. "CROWN" starts from the speakers as the boys get into their positions on the floor. I am enamored by the bursts of energy that they can channel into their movements, the pure effort in their dance which speaks of endless hours of practice and dedication to putting on a performance which will flip the stage and charm the viewers without fail.

I'm singing along, trying my best with the Korean lyrics. In the front row, I have a perfect view of TXT trapezing across the stage, forming pictures that can't be described with any other word besides beautiful.

Soon, the first song is over. I hold up my banner with the rest of the crowd. Beomgyu finds me, meeting my eyes and flashing me a thumbs up. The members form a straight line and exchange gestures with the fans. They respond to every handmade heart, flashing them back to our delight.

The rest of the miniature concert flashes by in what feels like a dream. The boys dance their hearts out, we respond with screams and cheers, and the room is covered with an energy that fills my veins with adrenaline.

"Thank you all for coming!" Soobin shouts out after they finish off the concert with a soulful rendition of "Nap of a star." "We love you!"

The members stay on stage for quite a while, responding to the fans and blowing kisses and finger hearts. But even after they leave, the crowd undulates with the remnants of the concert's fire. It feels hot in here, and I realize that it's because of my dancing and jumping. I shared a special moment here with TXT's Korean fans. And I'll be forever grateful to Beomgyu and the members for giving me a chance to see them in their purest element—as professional performers.

I head back to the parking garage while the fans file out from the venue. Walking down the spiraling staircase, my phone buzzes against my thigh.

Someone's tagged me on Twitter.

I open the thread. Exposing Jayden He on his obsession with Choi Beomgyu.

My heart almost stops as I stumble on the stair's landing. Naomi and Joyce, of @NJTXT, are the authors. The first Tweet shows a video of me at the BigHit cafe. Watch him deny that he's a sasaeng, reads the caption. It already has over a thousand likes, with five hundred retweets.

The next picture shows me at the Boryeong mud festival. He fell down on the course just to get Beomgyu's attention. I see myself eat the floor after slipping against the inflatable slides.

The thread follows me across Seoul. Pictures show me attending class with Beomgyu, eating with him at Dookki, going to the Korean spa and chowing down on ramyeon in the resting lounge. The last photo is me at the supermarket with Taehyun. He's even trying to manipulate Beomgyu's members, reads the last caption. My heart burns with shame.

I sit down on the landing, trying to calm myself. I can't face Beomgyu like this, with cold sweat down my neck and a shiver attaching itself to my bones. I feel like I'm in a psychotic episode, like when I was seventeen and stuck in the mental health ward. I see shadows from the corners of my eyes, imagining the sound of Naomi and Joyce approaching me from behind. In my imagination, they hold twin daggers to threaten me against involving myself with Beomgyu. Just like in my nightmare, they have black orbs as eyes, staring me down with a cold, metallic weight.

I sit for a long while, refusing to check my phone as the notifications continue to buzz. I know the TXT members are probably waiting for me in the parking lot, but I can't find the courage to face them without breaking down into tears.

"Jayden! Jayden!"

Beomgyu's voice rises above the staircase, and his footsteps soon follow. "Are you okay?"

I look up even though tears threaten to fall out of my eyes. I see his face twisted in concern, his arms stretched out to reach me.

Maybe I did take advantage of him. Maybe it was a mistake to share my heartbreak and expect him to fix me. Who knows whether Naomi and Joyce are in the right for exposing me, since I did act like an obsessed fan for the majority of my time with Beomgyu.

I turn in the opposite direction. I launch myself up the stairs, finding myself in the center of Gangnam, and I run and run and run.