Always, Omi

Chapter 11

10/27/20

Dear Omi-omi,

Hi, Omi-kun! It's taken me a while to write a letter, but here it is!

I miss you. So much. But I hope, wherever you are right now, you're happy and free from pain. I know you would want me to be happy as well but there are days when missing you becomes overwhelming that I can't bring myself to force a smile. I would just cry and cry. Today seems to be that kind of day.

Osamu helped me clean up the apartment yesterday. He was the one who saw your letters in a box, under our bed. It took all the strength in me not to cry in front of him. When he left and I was alone again, I read your letters. Each one of them. I tried not to let my tears touch the papers, but it was so hard. I held the papers on my hands as if I could still get the warmth from you when you wrote and held them.

Omi-kun, you really loved me a lot, didn't you?

I could feel it in your letters and in your words. How you tried so hard to remember, how you tried so hard to learn. You kept praising me for being strong, but Omi-kun, you were the stronger one between us. You were my pillar.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you about your condition. You might've gotten depressed about it and it would only worsen your health. I didn't want that. Omi, if only I could take your pain away from you, I would have done it without a second thought.

You left us in your sleep, three days before my birthday. I don't have the strength to recall what happened that day. Everything happened in a daze. The next thing I knew, you weren't in my arms anymore and the paramedics placed a white sheet on top of you on the stretcher. My heart hurt a lot that day, Omi-omi. It still hurts as I write this, too.

I read about your plan in the letter. The proposal. I was going to propose to you on my birthday as well. You were so full of hope for our future. You were determined to make new memories. I hate that the inevitable happened so soon. Remember that night at the balcony where we wished on a shooting star? I actually wished for more time with you. I felt so selfish because I knew you were suffering, you just didn't want me to know, but I was desperate to hold on to you longer. Why couldn't we have more time together?

I spend most days missing you, basking in the memories we shared and finding more regrets in those moments. I can't help it. I remember when we fought and you said you didn't need memories, that we don't need something that gets to hurt us. For a moment, I wanted my memories gone, too. So I wouldn't be hurting as much as I am now.

But discarding my memories away would mean forgetting about you and your smiles. It would mean forgetting about the laughs and kisses we shared, the scenes of you looking at me with so much affection, about all the fights and the making-ups that followed. It would mean forgetting about the sound of you soft whispers, or the warmth of your hand. So, if I am going through pain right now because of these memories, I will bear them. I will submerge myself with the sadness of your loss if it means keeping you alive in my memories. Let me have these memories of the side of you only I got to witness, Omi-kun. You are a wonder that doesn't deserve to be forgotten.

But you know, Omi-kun, will you visit me in my dreams? I just want to talk to you there. I just want to thank you for holding on, even when you're the one who asked me to do so. It must have been so hard for you. I keep picturing you on your hospital bed, counting down the hours all alone, waiting for me, and my heart breaks. There was an unspoken line between us, though. You had always waited for me as I had always come back to you. So please, Omi-kun let me dream of you so that I may say these things out loud, and that I may feel your hug one more time before I say goodbye to you.

It is a slow process of acceptance and grief, but I will have to move on for us both. I have a future ahead of me, and you will be in my mind, sadly, only as a memory, as the years unfold. Now, it's my turn to be strong.

I love you so much, Omi-omi. I hope I was able to make you feel that just as you made me feel loved!

Always,

Atsumu