Mafuyu's POV
It's finally showtime and the curtain is slowly lifting inch by inch. The band agreed that it's fine if I don't sing tonight and encouraged me to just have fun.
Fun. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even capable of having fun like others do so easily. I never know how to respond like everyone else does. Laughing or crying; I just don't do them well. I don't really show my emotions much so others may think I don't have any. But the truth is that I've always wanted someone to understand how hard and painful it is...wanting to scream and cry but not being able to express it. To feel trapped by your emotions that just fester, but not able to free yourself from your mental prison. I want someone to understand. Even just a little bit is fine.
As the band starts playing their parts, I take a deep breath, open my mouth and just release everything I've been holding in...
***
~Stay~
First Verse:
For as long as I can remember,
I'd turn around and you were always there.
But then one fateful night in the winter,
You left me here without a sound,
And now peace is nowhere to be found.
Chorus:
And I'm not okay, not okay,
And I ask why.
Why it has to be this way, be this way,
Take back my reply.
So many words left to say, left to say,
Never said my goodbye.
'Cause I hoped that you would stay-y-y,
Stay with me.
Second Verse:
Someone please tell me how to turn the page,
How to move past the guilt and pain.
These feelings still linger inside.
I keep trying to run,
But there's nowhere to hide,
From the words we spoke on that fateful day.
I'd take them all back if it would make you stay.
Repeat Chorus:
And I'm not okay, not okay,
And I ask why.
Why it has to be this way, be this way,
Take back my reply.
So many words left to say, left to say,
Never said my goodbye.
'Cause I hoped that you would stay-y-y,
Stay with me.
~~~
As I'm singing, I close my eyes and flashbacks of memories with Yuki play in my mind. I know you're never coming back, but I'm not lonely. No matter where I go, you're there. You're always in my head. You're in everything I see. No matter where I go, I can still see you there; can still smell your scent. My mind takes me to that fateful winter night...I can't forgive you. I can't forgive myself. But I want to...I miss you...
For the first time since Yuki died, tears finally fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks as I sing. They feel warm as they trickle down my face, which is a new sensation as I stand under the hot stage lights, sweating. All my pent up emotions are released in this moment as I tell this winter story and leave my heart on the stage.
~~~
Ahhh-ahh-ah
Bridge:
But I can't live in the past,
And I know you're not coming back.
So I have to keep on breathing,
And I have to keep on believing,
That this emptiness won't last,
And leave the pain in the past.
Keep my heart beating,
Keep on believing,
That this winter will end,
And we'll meet again-n-n.
Last Verse:
So I'll be okay, be okay,
'Cause you're always with me.
Taking it day by day, day by day,
I can finally see,
That I'm moving closer and closer,
To the sun shining on me.
'Cause I know you'll always stay-y-y,
Stay with me.
***
As the song nears its ending, I glance over at Uenoyama-kun and he returns my gaze. His cheeks are slightly flushed and we share a brief but strong moment of connection together with only our eyes. Then he smiles and finishes playing the song.
Seeing him smile made my heart skip a beat. Ahh, I know what this warm feeling in my stomach is now....I didn't think I'd be able to feel this way again...
The song ends and the stage lights dim. The crowd erupts into thunderous applause, but everything around me sounds distorted. I breathe heavily and feel completely drained of energy. Turning my emotions into actual words was really difficult and exhausting, but I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest as I was finally able to tell my story. I unplug my guitar, look down, and stagger my way off the stage. I feel Uenoyama-kun gently grab my head and press it to his face, comforting me as we both walk off together with his arm around my shoulders.
I feel like I just took the first step towards healing. And it feels absolutely freeing.
.
.
Author's Note: The song lyrics that Mafuyu sings in this chapter is actually a modified version of a song I wrote after suddenly losing someone precious to me. Like Mafuyu, I never got to say goodbye and it still haunts me, even many years later. I hope that it resonates with you. Please feel free to leave comments with your thoughts about my song lyrics. I'd love to hear them! ^^
أنت تقرأ
Memoirs of a Broken Guitar String (A Mafuyu x Uenoyama Fanfic)
قصص الهواة"The coldness in my heart from a certain winter is slowly being dissolved by the sun..." *** One fateful winter evening flipped Mafuyu's world upside down in an instant. Mafuyu is reeling after losing...
