Penny for your thoughts?

-ful Ignorance. (Entry 6)

We broke up. Well, he broke up with me. I think I was just a way for him to relieve himself from the guilt of the fact he doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him.

 I told him I loved him. Not for the sake of changing his mind, but to make him aware. Although I think he knew that already. 

I feel cold. Like an empty bottle of water in the winter, I still freeze even when there is nothing left to form into ice.

...

 He did technically use me, just not the way I expected. Never once did I consider myself a charity case. But to him, I was. 

I cried a total of 4 tears today. I thought that I would be devastated, a sobbing wreck, something. I think the reason I am lacking in emotion may be due to the fact that I simply have done this before. Getting over V is something I have done hundreds of times, but moving on is not.

Every time I thought I had moved on, I ended up somehow going back. I cannot do that anymore. Hes gone. He was addictive. He said there were too many strings attached to our friendship and that I, "we" needed to move on.

I decapitated the monkey he gave me for my 14th birthday. Aka my birthday last year. I feel like I was expecting this. I prepared myself for this, I wasn't expecting it, but I already knew in the back of my mind it would never work. He knew this too. 

At least he told me early on, that could have been worse, right.

 Fun fact, this is the first time I've ever been dumped. People are kinda dramatic, all my break-ups have been painless for the most part. Today's date is April 26th, 2021. 7:01 pm

I feel a little bit shaky but nonetheless, I think I'm gonna put my emotions into a drawing. I know I'm not okay. There is no way I'm okay. But I don't know what to do, crying is useless but I know I will. Being happy is lying and I know I can't lie to myself. I think of it as though my reflection walked away from the mirror. I feel like if there was any night I wanted to escape the world it would be now. Not through death of course, but space sounds nice right about now. 

At least he didn't leave me for someone else? 

 Look on the bright side; my wish on the comet came true: My wish was for him to be real with me, and he was.

hah.

EB was right Penny, he could never like me.

Fuck people.

Talk to you later Penny.