still into you.

Xiao

11/10

   Light was blurry. Its bedazzled fronts were nothing but lens blurs and camera flares, to be encompassed by growing shadows. Bits of it danced around Xiao's vision but he paid no attention. 

    It had always been hard to see Venti after the breakup, masking his almost undetectable pain with abundant cheerfulness, but to see him be genuinely happy somehow hurt even more now. His cheeks were rosy and his eyes were radiant, full of unmistakable joy. The room felt warm, as though they were in a serene meadow rather than a plain old Starbucks. And Xiao hated it.

    Of course he did. This was so damn cliché that even Xiao himself couldn't admit how ridiculous the whole situation was. Laughter he remembered indulging in before was now like a curse, teasing him towards insanity. A lilting voice, once a blessing to his ears was now a fragment of shattered glass, danger hidden behind beauty's mirage. 

     "Xiao! Stop brooding in the corner, geez. Come come!" Venti patted the suddenly empty seat on his left. He had his hair in twin braids, dangling in the front like always, and Xiao only just noticed how he was wearing an ivory sleeveless turtleneck. I think the last time I saw that shirt it had alcohol-scented vomit all over the front. Xiao nearly grinned in amusement at the memory, heart singing of fragrant ecstasy, until his head regained control and every event that followed came rolling back in like a bittersweet tide. 

   Catastrophe. That was the only word Xiao could grasp onto for more than a second that wouldn't fly away into the tornado starting to form in his mind. Breaths coming in violent staccatos, Xiao felt a cry lodge itself in his throat, unable to make its way out his mouth. This- this was an every day thing, but at least he was protected by the privacy of his own home. At least other people weren't there watching him slowly falter and crumble; at least he wasn't there. It was all too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Sensations bled endlessly into each other until he couldn't discern even a hint of what emotion he was supposed to feel. Chaos. Panic.

    "waa~ my tummy hurts... but the wine was so yummy...."

     "teehee~ Xiaooooo~ I love youuu hehee~"

    "a book?? really, Xiao, you'd choose a book over your own boyfriend?" snicker.

    "come on! give me a kith kith~"

    "b-but what-what did I do wrong?"

     "mmm.... I love you."

     There was no way out. His thoughts were millions of tiny fragments, scattered across an infinite floor- some revitalizing to think of, but many painful to simply look at. Xiao had never been the best with feelings and this was just far too much.  He wanted to smile and die at the same time. Push away everyone then push himself off of a cliff. Laugh and cry, just pondering on and on about why things had to end up this way. Life was better when they were both stuck like this. He wasn't ready to let go. 

Maybe he was the one who disappeared months ago, but it was now Xiao trying to grasp onto the fading presence of Venti's love.