Shrek x Gru

Chapter 1 - Skrek

Shrek

"What are you doing in my swamp!!" I yell with an enraged look plastered on my face, that makes the small elf's who wandered past my "I'm a terrible ogre" sign to scarce off. Why did they think just because it was dark out I wouldn't notice them? Sigh. What does an ogre have to do to get some privacy? I walk back into my humble abode and continue doing what I was before being rudely interrupted by those meddling trespassers. I reach deep into my ear and pull out a decently sized chunk of ear wax and I place it onto the candle holder in front of me. I then take a match and light it; it ignites instantly lighting the entire room. After finishing my meal, I blow out the half burned ear wax candle and the rest of the night goes on peacefully.

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The next morning I wake up feeling pretty good, no birds are chirping outside my window like If I'd have hired them to be my alarm clocks, I haven't heard any trespassers lurking around, and the swamp is looking warm and gooey. The sun is out shining brightly yet not skin burning, and there's a fresh breeze. It's a perfect day; great to take a dip in the swamp and relax. I take a step outside and begin walking to the muddy pool. I step in and allow the gooey substance to seep through my toes and over my feet. I keep forgetting to clip my toenails, I have to do it today or they will get stuck on my bed sheets again. As I step deeper into the pool I let the bubbles rising up and the heat to relax me.

After a while of roaming in peace I finally get out and head to the small wooden shack, it has a moon carved on the upper half of the door. I start to jog when I hear my insides rumble, and I run when I feel a mild spreading pain coming from my intestines. I make it just in time as I swing the door open and quickly sit on the bucket placed on the floor. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that extra ripe eyeball. After the humongous explosive dump is finally out I exit the tiny shack before the stench reaches my nostrils. I'll clean out the bucket later, once the horrid odor dies down.

I go into my tree stump house and begin looking for something other than the dozen of squash that I picked out a few days ago, to eat. When I find only a half eaten vegetable mix from months ago and a moldy slice of bread I decide it's time to go out and get more food. I go into my kitchen and pull out a plain cloth bag with thick leather handles, that is the same shade of beige as my tunic. I grab a small pouch similar to my grocery bag, I look inside to make sure there is a good amount of bugbear currency in case I need to exchange it for something I might find useful.

I decide I'm ready to head out after giving myself a 15 minute pep talk about how it will be a quick trip to getting what I need so I don't have to be near all the nuisances for too long. I make my way out of my precious marsh and to the village. Once I'm near the village I take a short cut to the nearest food stand which not only gets me there faster but, I don't come across anyone on my way there.

The stand is fully stocked with fresh fruits and vegetables and although there's almost no one around I consider immediately turning back when I see Donkey. Unfortunately he's already seen me and is headed my way with his stupid toothy smile. I turn around and start walking away but he continues on behind me. "Shrek!" He shouts walking only a few feet behind me. "Hey Shrek! where you headed?" He says now walking by my side. "Go away Donkey." I say in an irritated manner. "Come on Shrek" he continues insistingly. I hadn't realized how quickly we had walked into the forest, now that's a shortcut. I come to a sudden stop slightly shocked and quite confused. Donkey is staring at me with a curious look, "why did we stop?" He questions as he turns his focus in the direction my eyes are pointed to. "There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest!" I say eyeing up the plate of waffles. I guess this'll do for the meantime. As I start to walk forward to the stump where the waffles are placed I notice Donkey looking at them with hungry eyes. "No." I say before he even has the chance to ask for one. "Come on Shrek, just one?" He asks full of hope. "No, goodbye Donkey!" I step in my house and shut the door behind me before he has a chance to get in. "Can I have one now?" I hear him say from the window a few moments later. Annoyed that he still hasn't left and desperately wanting him to leave I throw one at him and he catches it in his mouth, "there, now leave me alone!" I exclaim. "Bye Shrek!" He shouts from a distance already walking away, still munching on the waffle.

I eat about a third of the stack and save the rest for later. It's sometime in the afternoon and I make the choice of going out for some water. Before leaving I take a caramel brown colored round canteen with me to put the water in. I reach the small stream of water and dip my wooden canteen into the water and allow it to fill up. Once it is fully filled I pop the lid on and head home. I take a swig of water, and just as I am about to go into my house I hear a voice with a weird accent I've never heard before say "I hate to intrude but you're coming with me babygorl." Who the fuck?? I think to myself.

To be continued...