The (w)hole in my heart

30

Susan was holding Wendy and mentally saying goodbye to her, because she was coming back to work tomorrow. Fortunately, she wouldn't be too far away from her, because the day nursery was in the same building as the kindergarten, she worked in. And there was another problem she had to worry about but that was something she needed to wait for Ethan with. As she thought about that Wendy started laughing at something and that made her forget about everything else for a moment.
Around four she heard Victor and Ethan had arrived from their work, Ted approved Victor's wish to visit dad at work one day. They came to living room, where she and Wendy were. Ethan sat next to her from left and kissed both of them, Victor sat from the right and cuddled to his mum's side.
"So how was it? Did you have fun, Vic?"
"Yes, it was awesome. Everyone was so nice. And dad let me help him with one thing." He said proudly.
"Yeah, that's great. With what did you help?"
"I showed him how to do proofreading."
"Wow, you can do corrections, Vic. That is amazing!"
"Yeah, I found the red underlined words and clicked on the button dad showed me." He continued in his proud voice.
"Yes, he was very helpful." Smiled Ethan, "And everyone at the office just loved him."
Victor just smiled widely.
"That's great. I'm glad you enjoyed it." Susan said proudly.
"I did."
"Great. Don't you want to go to your room now, and play?" Susan asked.
"Okay, will you come with me?"
"Me and your dad need to discuss something, so we will join you in a bit, okay?"
"Okay." He smiled and left.
Ethan looked at Susan confused "We need to discuss something?"
"Yes." She said and laid Wendy into her crib, then sat back on the couch.
"Really? What?" he laughed.
"About our baby."
"Which one?"
"This one." She said and touched her stomach.
Ethan looked at her with raised eyebrow. "What? You mean you're pregnant?" he laughed.
"Yes, I am."
"Really? God, that's great! We will be big family!" he said happily with the biggest smile and hugged her tightly.
She smiled too "We will be a big family." She laughed and returned the hug.
Ethan pulled back after a while, looked at Susan and started to laugh, so now it was her turn to be confused. "Why are you laughing?"
"They're really lucky to have you, at work. You know, because first you had Victor, so you weren't there for a year, then you were there for two years, then you had Wendy, now you'll go back after year and you'll be there just for nine months before you'll leave for year again..."
"I know, don't even remain me that, I really look forward to telling Olivia."
"I know, sorry." He apologised still half laughing.

Susan opened the door of her classroom and the kids immediately created a circle around her and hugged her tightly, she didn't feel so sad anymore. Then she saw Olivia coming her way and the nerves went all rushing back.
"Hey, Susan, great to have you back." She said smiling.
"Yeah, good to be back. Could I talk to you about something though." She wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.
"Sure but not now. During kids sleeping break?"
"Yeah, okay."

Lucy sat next to Susan during the lunch with a worried look on her face.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"Nothing." Susan said and smiled.
"Oh come on, you know I know you better than that. That smile was so fake! So, what. is. going. on?"
"Alright, but you can't tell anyone!"
"Sure! Talk."
"Fine. So, I'm pregnant again and I have to tell Olivia... and I'm bit scared, you know..."
"Yeah, I get that but I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, it'll be okay..."
"Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks." She said and gave Lucy thankful smile.
"For nothing. And congratulations! You must be thrilled, you always wanted a big family..."
"Yeah, I am. It's great feeling." She smiled happily.
"But seriously, you guys have to tell us how you do it. Me and Luke are kinda trying again too but we haven't been successful yet..."
"I don't know how we do it, honestly. We didn't plan it. Maybe that's the secret."
"Maybe." They laughed.
"Okay Susan, can we?" Olivia came to their table.
"Sure."
They entered Olivia's office and they both took a seat.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" She asked with smile.
"Well, it's more like an information you should have, so you'd be prepared for it."
"Okay, what is the information, then." She laughed.
"Ehm, it's that I'm pregnant again, so I will be here just for about nine months..."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"You got to be kidding me!" she said kind of coldly.
"No, I'm not." Susan said taken back by surprize a bit.
"Wow, that is amazing." Olivia said definitely coldly this time. "Really awesome. For the third time. Great. Just great! And tell me one thing Susan. Did you or did you not plan it?"
"Well, no but-"
"No! Of course, I could figure that out, right. That's how it always goes, those who don't want kids, have tons of them, like you but someone like me, who's trying to get pregnant for years, don't get to have one!"
Susan was now feeling like she's going to cry soon. "We didn't try that is true but we wanted kids."
"Sure, everyone says that so they don't look like idiots, who can't protect themselves! God, that's exactly why so many kids are in children's homes!" Olivia was almost shouting now.
"Excuse me." Said Susan fully crying and basically run out of the office.

Ethan was writing his article, when his phone rang, he picked it up and heard sobs on the other end, so he looked at the screen and saw that Susan was calling him. "Oh my God Sue, what happened?"
"Ethan, I told Olivia." She managed to say in between sobs.
"So, I guess she didn't take it to well... Did she fire you?"
"No, I wish."
"What? What the hell did she tell you?!"
"She told me that it's unfair that we have so many kids even though we don't want them and she doesn't have one even though she wants one and that people like us are the reason why so many kids are in the children's homes."
"She said what?!" Ethan said trying to control the anger that filled him.
"I don't know what to do now Ethan."
"First of all you need to calm down. Where are you?"
"On the bathroom, so no one would see me, especially Olivia and Victor..."
"Okay, good. Do you want me to come or are you able to stay there till the rest of the day? Either way I'll come to pick you up..."
"I'll stay here, it wouldn't be good if I left my first day back..."
"Okay. I love you and remember, she is just jealous, okay. You are the best mum ever and the fact that we didn't exactly plan on having our kids in that particular time doesn't change a single thing about that! And I'm sure that if you asked anyone else besides that, I don't want to be vulgar, they would say you exactly the same thing! Alright. So don't ever doubt that!"
"Thank you, I love you too."
"So you'll be alright?"
"Yes."
"Okay. I'll pick you up then."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."

Ethan arrived at the kindergarten and saw Susan waiting outside the door. "Hi, how are you?" he said, hugged her and kissed her forehead.
"Better, you?"
"I'm good." He smiled. "Where's Victor and Wendy?"
"I asked Lucy to take them home... Do you mind?"
"No, of course not. That means we can take a long walk home and forget all the thinks she said.."
"Okay, that sounds great, thank you." She smiled. Ethan took her around her waist and they started to walk outside. When they were almost out of the building, they heard someone locking the door and soon the someone basically yelled at them, "Oh, look the pair of don't wanna work, gonna make babies instead, parents."
Tears appeared in Susan's eyes again, Ethan tightened his grip, kissed the top of her head and whispered calming words into her ear.
"You know maybe that could be good for something too, you could borrow me your super fertile husband and my problem would be gone..." They were already on the street, when she said that, and it made same people look at them, of course. But the remark was it for Ethan, he turned around and walked over to Olivia, trying to remain calm.
"Okay , that's enough, alright. You can't do this. It's true that we didn't plan on having two of our kids but that doesn't mean we love them any less, nor it make us bad parents. We're not some teens who accidentally got knocked up and now don't know what to do with it. I understand that you're sad and hurt, because you have trouble conceiving and I'm really sorry for that but it's not our fault that you can't have a baby, it's not! So, please stop taking it out on Susan!" he said calmly but firmly, left her stand there and returned to Susan.
They started to walk away again, when Olivia shouted one more time, "Or you could give me this baby, when you don't want it anyway!"
Ethan's face turned red, Susan probably never saw him this angry before, he was about to turn around to tell her something nut Susan stopped him, "No, Ethan, please, let it go." She whispered and pressed his hand. He listened to her, exhaled heavily and they left.

Susan tried to get that out of her head but wasn't very successful, it came rushing back all the time. She had to think about what Olivia said but didn't say Ethan anything, because she didn't want to worry him plus she didn't know what she would tell him, she didn't know what she wanted to say. They put Victor and Wendy to the bed and went to sleep as well. Ethan kissed her and wished her good night, hugged her and started to drift away as he did every day. Susan couldn't fall asleep though, thoughts kept running trough her head, she tried to silence them but failed every time. After while Ethan woke up, looked at her and asked with bit of worry in his voice, "Why don't you sleep? Is everything okay?"
"Yes, don't worry, I'm alright. You can go back to sleep." She tried to smile assuringly.
"Don't worry about what she said, she is just jealous and hurt and kicks all around herself, she's just looking for ways to get it out of her head, so she doesn't have to think about it all the time, for ways to make it hurt less, and unfortunately she chose to let it out by hurting others... but we can't let her."
"I know. It's just, it's hard to get it out of my head, you know..."
"I know. Try to get some sleep, you need to be well rested, especially now..."
"I know. I love you." She said and kissed him, he kissed her back.
"I love you too."
"Go back to sleep."
"Your command!" he chuckled and after while really fell asleep.
Susan closed her eyes and started to falling asleep but before she did she opened her eyes again turned to her side and whispered to Ethan's ear, "Ethan. Ethan?"
He opened his eyes slowly and said sleepily, "Yeah?"
"I think she's right."
"Who? About what?" he asked confused.
"Olivia. I think I should give her the baby."