little do you know // niall horan au

chapter 18; i love you

Mona was running on autopilot.

She was awake but wasn't thinking of anything, simply going through the motions of her morning routine.

They were back in New York. As soon as they had landed, she felt the bitter taste of reality flood her mouth when Niall kissed her the moment no one was looking. She'd only just tossed her luggage to a corner of her room and collapsed face down into her bed when he'd texted her, asking her to go over to his room for a cuddle. After spending the last few days sharing a bed with him, it was all she really wanted to do, if she was being honest with herself. But then, the jitters came back, she'd made up some excuse of being too tired to move from her bed, and they'd sort of left it at that.

Now, she was mindlessly pulling on a cardigan, gathering her things into her bag and throwing it over her shoulder. She didn't know where she was going yet, but all she really wanted was to get away, to find some place quiet to just think and make sense of all the emotions coursing through her exhausted body at the moment.

Their last few hours in Vegas had been quite uneventful. At least nothing happened that Mona could remember because she'd been too busy working herself up into a panic. After bringing herself to a somewhat calm state after spending who knows how long hyperventilating in the shower, she got dressed and headed to Zayn's room. Harlow had been the one to open the door because he had apparently gone out in search of some snacks, but Mona didn't need him to get what she wanted anyway. She simply dug through the front pocket of his case to find the pack of cigarettes and his spare lighter, taking one cig from the box before scurrying out, ignoring Harlow's questioning looks.

She couldn't remember her feet taking her anywhere, but when she'd regained focus again, she'd realized she made her way outside to the back of the building, her spine pressing against the cool brick exterior as she sunk down to the floor. Smoking wasn't really her thing, but she brought the cigarette to her lips anyway, wondering to herself how she even got there. Her hands shook too much to light it, but once she'd gotten it going, she'd taken one pull only to realize that it was a big mistake. The smoke that filled her lungs only sent her body into panic mode again, and she found herself furiously wiping away her tears as she sat there, on the dingy back alley of the hotel, surrounded by smoke.

She didn't even know why this was happening. Why was it so hard to picture herself happy with Niall? Why was she so afraid of just telling him how she felt? That maybe there might even be a shred of a chance that he could feel the same?

So, she had issues.

Now, she found herself in her favorite back corner of the library. There was never anyone there and she was always guaranteed a few hours of pure silence at her table. She didn't know how long she sat there, with her books spread out in front of her, not taking in a single word, but that spot of the library had remained as empty as ever, not even a librarian drifting by to re-shelve books. And she was glad for it.

Until...

"Knew I'd find ya here," came a familiar brogue murmuring into her ear. She flinched, only to realize he'd had his baseball mitt hands on her shoulders. He chuckled at her reaction, pressing a light kiss to her cheek and pulling up a seat beside her; she was acutely aware of the cold spots on her shoulders where his hands were, his warmth slowly dissipating from her skin. Before she could even catch her bearings, he had taken his seat and was already leaning in, pressing the sweetest and softest of kisses to her lips, the sunshine from his smile seeping into her bloodstream. "Hi," he mumbled, lips brushing against the corner of her mouth.

When he pulled back, she felt like she was being yanked from a dream. "Hi," she breathed back, unable to stop the way her fingers started to tremble, unable to stop the way her heart rate skyrocketed. She had to do it. She had to end it.