Vengeance and Regrets

DALI | THIRTY-EIGHT - AMENDS

NAGLAKAD AKO PAUWI NG BAHAY. Ang alam ko dalawang notebook lang ang nasa loob ng bag ko pero parang biglaan iyong bumigat.

I could feel the heaviness from my shoulder spreading across to my chest and then to that soft pumping tissue that hides inside there. Shattered enough to be unable to function properly after that talk with Theron.

Puno ng mga tao ang kalsada na halos mangunot ang noo ko, kulang na lang ay magtanong ako kung may parade ba na parating o kung ano mang street activities kasi nagdagsaan ata sila sa labas.

But I was awed by the sight of people walking down the streets living their normal lives, checking for livestock in the public market and negotiating with the sidewalk vendors down the streets.

Nawala ang kunot sa noo ko na papabuo pa lang kanina. Inayos ko ang bag na dala-dala at napatingala sa langit. This is how beautiful everyday is. Some people just tend to get caught up with their own struggles na parang pasan-pasan na nila ang buong mundo, when in fact all of us are only spec of dust compared to how massive the universe is.

Minsan, nakakagaan sa pakiramdamn ang tumingin sa paligid habang pinagmamasdan ang iba kung gaano nila ginagawa ang lahat para mabuhay lang sa araw-araw... ang iba nga iniisip na sana maitawid nila ang araw na 'to.

We are battling different circumstances everyday; embracing the pain and hurdles ain't a waste of time. Rather, it's a time to seek for peace that all of us need within ourselves.

Yumuko ako nang maramdaman ang pamumuo ng luha sa mga mata ko. The intensity of emotions rushed in, as if they were already welcomed—like that of how rockets are launch into the sky and has been suspended in the air for moments before speeding up into the vogaye towards the outside of the earth.

Pinipilipit ang dibdib ko habang hindi ko maipagkakaila ang guilt na nararamdaman, for countless times, I have been repressing what I truly feel.

I must admit that I had always thought that I don't have the luxury of time to dwell on my emotions because the pain that I felt couldn't even equate to how huge and messed up other people's pain are than my own. Yet right at this spot, mas naging malinaw sa akin ang dahilan. Mas naging malinaw sa akin kung bakit hindi ko kailangang isipin na may mga taong mas matindi pa ang nararanasan na sakit kaysa sa akin.

Sa hindi kalayuan ay nakita ko ang grupo ng mga estudyante na nagtatawanan habang bumibili ng kwek-kwek at isaw. Panay ang usap nila at rinig ang may kalakasan nilang pagtawa.

How much of these people had lost their loved ones like I had been through? How much of them had gone through a broken heart? How much of them has been struggling to put something on their table so their family could eat? Walang nakakaalam. Pero kailangan pa ba iyon? Hindi na. Someone's pain need not to be known by several people before it is acknowledged and validated. We should not be ashamed to acknowledge our pain and sufferings. Hindi iyon pagsuko. Kung hindi ay pagtanggap. No one could trick life into giving them happiness, because it isn't something one could buy from the store, it is earned, it requires actions and participation.

I understood things now. And understand them better.

Things, moments, and people who have been part of our lives make sense when you feel the pain and the impact they have brought to you.

I have the right to feel... I shouldn't take that away from myself.

The pain and helplessness I felt as I was looking at Theron in that state earlier clouded my emotions. I was sniffing and continuously wiping why tears as I proceeding walking to our home, not merely walking this time; but feeling my emotions, admiring how the lives of people could be so simple yet uplifting. And how a person's experiences and emotions could shift beliefs and ideals...