Vengeance and Regrets

Middle Point

"It's too consuming to pretend I'm fine in front of people," Marcia said, struggling to swallow a sob. Napakurap-kurap siya ng ilang beses pero sinubukan na pa rin ngumiti.

She then inhaled a deep breath, plastering a practiced smile on her lips while caressing her hair─lose strands cascading at the small of her back when the soft evening breeze at Cielo Coastal Route blew.

A young man in Marcia's age turned to her, his eyes were dim but warm when he said to her, "Sino'ng nagsabi sa 'yo na kailangan mong magpanggap sa harap ng ibang tao?"

Ang paraan siguro ng pagtitig nito sa kanya ang dahilan kung bakit hindi mapigilan ni Marcia na tumitig sa mga mata nito. It was moving and empathetic.

"Do these people have the right to command you to do the things you should be doing? It is your life, hindi sa kanila."

Marcia hunched over, resting her hands on both knees as she sat freely at a rock, where she could stare at the sea without any bother in the eyes. "Hmm,"  mahina niyang bulong, umiling-iling bago nagpatuloy. "Have you heard of a prose. . . Life is like a show, shine on your own stage." 

A cold breeze blew, Marcia hugged herself tighter as the breeze crept into her skin. Sa puwesto kung nasaan silang dalawa ngayon, makikita ang papadilim na langit. Ramdam na rin nila ang tumitinding lamig ng hangin. But that didn't bother Marcia. Inside her mind was a swirl of different thoughts she had been enduring for days.

"I believe in that. Very firmly. This city is my stage, at least at this point, and when I turn down these people, who would clap for my growth? Who would tell me I'm doing something right?"

"Seeking validation from other people sucks. Big time." His words were knives pierced deep in her soul, in her self-imposed beliefs.

Marcia's eyes squinted into slits. "P-Paano mo nasabi 'yan?"

"Simple," he said then paused.

Marcia's eyes darted to the scenery in front of them while his eyes were on her. She could feel the weight of his gaze on her skin.

"Magkinig ka ha," seryoso nitong saad. "When you seek for their validation, you are not allowing yourself to become someone you really wanted to. You are molding yourself to fit their standards. When in fact, they don't even give a damn about you. They just feel empowered thinking they have the power to control someone else's life. But you see, it is not their fault at all."

Hindi agad nakapagsalita si Marcia. Saglit pa siyang napatulala. Wow. A very definite answer.

Slowly, a small yet sad smile formed on Marcia's lips.

What do I expect from someone like him?

In truth, she was taken aback. What he said was. . .

A lump on her throat proved that she had not just listened to his words. Little by little, she is already grasping it. Without realizing it further, she's holding onto it.

Maybe he was right.

You are molding yourself to fit their standards.

They don't even give a damn about you.

They just feel empowered thinking they have the power to control someone else's life.

"And I . . ." Dahan-dahan siyang napatango. "I am giving them that power."

"Absolutely." He said now leaning in at a rock massive enough to hide his physique from people walking in near vicinity. "Now, let me ask you, Marcia. . . are you genuinely happy? At this point?"

Marcia's answer was as clear as the crystal-like sky hours ago. "No. Hindi talaga. Honestly, I feel too exhausted. Like all my efforts aren't enough. I've done my best. I couldn't give anything more. Arts don't seem to weigh much in people's hearts."

"I can't tell that thought any better,"  he muttered, sumasang-ayon sa sinabi niya.

Marcia continued blabbering her unsaid thoughts─her silent screams of pain and exhaustion for the past weeks. "When I try to be myself, people hate me. When I try to follow their standards, they criticize me for struggling to fit in. Ang gulo 'di ba?"

He exhaled a sigh of despondence. "They want you to become someone they see through their own eyes. You have to begin scrutinizing people's real intentions. Sometimes, they are not giving you freedom through their words but rather, a command you ought to follow."

Bumuntung hininga na rin si Marcia. "I think it's better if I just die. Right now. At this very moment." There wasn't a sense of hesitation in Marcia's voice.

He was shocked. She could sense it. Yet Marcia just smiled to contain the rush of pensive thoughts inside her head.

He gave her a smug smile. "Do you expect people to build a monument to commemorate your death and your contribution to music or arts?"

"No," agad niyang sagot. "Just . . . maybe at my burial, people could visit me without hate, criticisms, and judgements. That way, in their eyes, I could be someone worth for their tears and grief."

He eyed her carefully. Marcia couldn't tell what's running inside his mind right now. It's just that her mind's too clouded with thoughts, and then the sound of the waves.

"Sa tingin mo?"

She nodded. Or. . . maybe not.

Marcia stared at him, then she felt the familiar thud in her chest, the clenching inside her gut, and a taste of euphoria at the tip of her throat.

"Well then." He shifted in his seat. Marcia then fixed her gaze at the wide space in front of them: the serene scenery of Cielo Coastal Route─where a fascinating skyline and a breath-taking horizon meet.

When Marcia's gaze landed back on him, she found his spot empty. Hindi niya alam kung bakit biglaan siyang kinabahan.

Then she felt someone pushed her from her back. A soft, deep voice echoed near her ear. "I'm sorry."