dead memories.

18. i love, you hate

The truth is, my mother did come back one last time.

But I didn't see her face nor feel her motherly touch. My room was pitch black and all I could hear was shouting. When I first heard the front door creak open, I had hoped that she was coming back for me. I had hoped that she would say, "Joey, baby, it's alright. Everything's going to be alright. Go wake up your brother and we can get out of here."

Instead, her footsteps passed my room as if she didn't even know I existed. Like I was invisible.

The screaming didn't take long to start. Sobbing followed.

Even though my mother preferred smoking all day long on the back porch and buying things with money she didn't have over spending time with me, I still cried when I heard the thump of her body hitting the carpet.

And then the gut-wrenching sound of my father's fist pummeling her into the floor.

I don't know how she survived. It was silent for a long, long time.

All I wanted as a kid was to hear "I love you,", even once. But I love you's and hugs and kisses were never common in my household. My mother only said it when I was little. My father never said it. My brother tried to be home as little as possible, and when he was he avoided me at all costs. All I received was beatings and cold looks from everyone in school.

I stare at the ceiling. I haven't been able to stop thinking about my parents lately. I wish I could just talk to Corey about it so it's not weighing down as heavy on my chest anymore, but I'm not looking to be a burden to another person. I went through a lot. I've seen a lot. I wouldn't ever want to put that on someone else.

I look over and Corey's sound asleep on the couch next to me, legs pulled into his chest. His face is calm and he just looks..peaceful. Like he doesn't have a care in the world.

I lean over, gently brushing a strand of blonde hair out of his face. I really am lucky to have someone like him.

"I love you," I whisper. I press my lips to his cheek bone, grazing them across the flesh.

I wish I could stop thinking for awhile.

***

"Joey?"

I look up from my drum-set, "Hm?"

"You okay?" Mick glances around the room, saying it as if he doesn't want anyone to hear.

"Why? Do I look upset?" Shit. I wonder how long I've been lost in thought.

"Sort of. You've been staring at nothing n' mumbling random shit to yourself for 5 minutes."

"Oh, sorry." I'm not really sure what to say to that.

"Come here for a second."

I hesitantly stand up from my seat, walking over to him.

"Is something going on? Did you fight with Corey again?"

"No, no, nothing like that."

"Then what? You've seemed..distracted for awhile now."

"I just have some things on my mind. It's not a big deal, really. I'll try to focus more."

"..Okay, if you say so."

I turn to walk away. Whew.

"How do you guys feel about drinks? We've been going for hours now!" Paul says. The rest of the guys make noises of agreement. I don't think I'm up for drinking, though. I need sleep.

"Joey, what about you?"

"Err, I'll pass. You guys can go without me."

"Come on Joey, I think you need a drink. You've seemed really stressed for the past week and a half." Corey slings his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him.

"I don't know..."

"Please? Just one drink."

I chew on my lip. I guess it'll kind of be lonely at my apartment. And we have been really busting our asses for awhile trying to put this album together. Maybe I need a night out.

"Fine. I'll go."

Everyone cheers in unison and I just roll my eyes. I don't know what I'd do without this mess of a band.

"Then it's settled! Let's get the fuck out of here."

I smile lightly as Corey drags me out of the studio. They're all kind of like a second family to me. Besides Corey, that'd be weird.

"I call shotgun!"

"No, you fucking don't! Get out of my way!"

***

I used to enjoy going out for drinks. I'm not sure if I do anymore.

The bar is noisy and there's neckbeards surrounding all of us. Two of them have already tried hitting on me (probably assuming I'm a girl), but Corey has taken care of them. Still, it's gross. Also, there's this weird funky odor and I have no idea where the hell it's coming from.

I haven't really thought about my parents for the past twenty minutes, though, so that's a plus. I think.

Suddenly, I feel someone grope my ass. Like my whole left cheek. This seriously can't be happening again.

"Listen, fucker-"

"You come here often?" Corey smirks. That asshole. I almost punched his stupid attractive face.

I open my mouth to yell at him, but I change my mind in the middle of doing so and play along instead.

"I try to come when you aren't around." I bat my eyelashes and Corey scoffs.

"Can I buy you a drink?" He swiftly sits on the stool next to mine like he wasn't there 5 minutes ago.

"So you can roofie me? No thanks."

"Awe, come on man. You aren't making this any fun."

"Fine. You can buy me a drink. Only one, though. I'm not looking to get shitfaced tonight."

"Alright, one drink."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

A promise which Corey eventually yet inevitably ended up breaking, since it's 7 Jack n Cokes later and I'm being pressed up against a very unstable stall door with Corey all over me.

"Fuck," I say when Corey pulls away, "do you think the others have noticed that we're gone?"

"Nah," Corey grabs my waist and turns me around so that my back is facing him, "they're probably passed out by now."

I hear Corey unzip his jeans. "Hey, hey, hey! I may be drunk but I am not letting you fuck me with your spit and sweat in a gross ass stall. Nope."

"Come onnn," he starts to feel me up, "I know you want to."

"Of course I fucking want to, Corey, God. But you broke your promise, so no."

"A blowjob, then?" He flips me around again and gives me a lop-sided smile.

"Ugh..only if I'm the receiver."

"Fine by me." Corey drops to his knees in an instant and starts undoing my belt for me. I brace myself against the door. He looks incredibly hot like that.

"Someone's hard.."

"Stop fucking poking it and put my cock in your mouth."

"Geez, don't gotta be mean..."

When he wraps his lips around my dick and looks up at me with his baby blue eyes, that's almost enough to send me into overdrive.

"Shit."

I bunch up his hair in my hand and push him forward.

I hear the clank of his jeans hitting the tile. I'd honestly prefer a non-public non-bathroom blowjob, but I guess this'll do.

Corey always manages to make things enjoyable, no matter the situation. Somehow.

***

A/N: hayy i meant to add a note before but i wrote this at night so i forgot also i apologize for any grammar or spelling errors😭😭 i'll try to fix them if i find them. thanks!