dead memories.

19. empathy

Sometimes, I wonder what I'd be like today if I'd grown up in a different home. Would I be normal? Would I act the way I do? Would I even be apart of this band? Probably not.

I love Corey with my entire heart. He's my best friend and has helped me discover myself; I wouldn't trade him for anyone. But I still find myself wishing for the impossible.

Sure, I could easily kill myself. Wrap a rope around my neck. Down a bottle of pills. Drive off of a cliff, even. But I don't think that would fix anything. I can't undo what's already been done, and that's just the sad fucking truth.

I know it's probably selfish of me to wish for a real family, considering I have 8 losers that I see nearly 20 times each week and that should be enough. But I do want a mother that didn't up and leave when I was a child, a father that didn't die from his prolonged addictions and a brother that didn't decide to give up 2 days before graduation. Corey, Mick, Paul, Shawn, Sid, Chris, Craig and Jim all care for me, but not in the way a mother and father care for their son. That's all I really want, and maybe if I had it there would be no gaping hole in my heart.

"...And then I was like, Matt! You dumbass! This store has cameras! And he was like, well, Corey-"

"Hey? Joey? Are you listening?"

Corey snaps his fingers in front of my face and I flinch, turning to look at him.

"Uh, um, yeah."

"Okay, then repeat what I just said."

"...."

He frowns, driving through a puddle in the street.

" 'S something on your mind? You can always talk to me, you know. You've seemed distracted all week."

"Yeah, uh, it's nothing." I look out the window; the sky is a pale blue and rain is pouring down heavy. Iowa is so fucking depressing sometimes.

"You sure? You don't have to hold back, you know. I'm your fuckin' boyfriend."

Did he just?

"Wait- huh?"

"Oh- well, I just assumed since like... you haven't gone back to your apartment in a few weeks and we've been um..yeah." He scratches the back of his neck and looks away.

"So does this make it official, then? We're dating?"

"Sure. I guess. I mean, yeah."

I grin, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

Wow. I have a boyfriend. Huh.

"Okay, back to what we were talking about. What's been bugging you?"

"Oh, uh. I don't know. I've just been thinking about my- you don't know, do you?"

"About what?"

"My family."

"Then, no."

"To put it simply..I had an awful childhood. My father was a drunk, my mom left us and my brother, um, he sort of killed himself. Yeah."

I didn't know saying it out loud would sting this much.

"Fuck, man. I'm sorry. I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me this before?" He gives me a concerned glance, gripping the steering wheel.

"I just... I dunno. Dint' think it was important."

"Of course it's important."

I press my lips together, not knowing what to say. I never know what to say.

"I wish I could do something to help. No one deserves that."

"Yeah...it's whatever. Not a big deal, I just haven't really processed everything that's happened until recently."

"I understand. It seems like a lot to process."

The car goes silent. Corey doesn't say much else, he only gives me a few somber looks and gentle shoulder squeeze.

The silence gradually begins to drive me insane, so I turn on the radio.

"Ooh, Poison. Do you like Poison?"

I shrug.

"Good enough for me," Corey turns the radio up. I let the words fill my brain and try to ignore everything else.

***

Creak. Slam. Creak. Slam. Creak. Slam. Corey needs a new bed, and badly.

He tucks his arm under my torso and pulls me against his chest. He whispers sweet nothings into my neck, rocking his hips back and forth rhythmically.

I should be moaning, screaming even. Repeating his name over and over until I meet my release. Though I can't. Why? I have no idea. It feels good. When I'm with him, it always feels good. But my brain is foggy and all that I can let out are short breaths.

I lay my head back on his shoulder, shutting my eyes. I just want it to be over. I never thought I'd find myself thinking that.

"I'm- close," He pushes out. Thank god.

I expect another minute or two to pass before he does, but he comes right after.

"And that's how it's fucking done, baby," Corey let's out an almighty groan.

I let myself fall forward onto the mattress.

"Joey?"

"Tired," I mumble, which isn't completely a lie.

"That's..alright. You can sleep, I'll clean up."

I nod. What the hell is wrong with me? I was able to have sex with him before just fine. I feel like my thoughts are consuming me, almost.

My eyes water and I start to wonder when it all got so fucking hard.

***

yass new chapter! new username too (rip ihugjoey). i can't believe i've been working on this since dec 2019. truly shocking. anyway if you enjoyed it fave it and if you have any suggestions or constructive criticism PLSS let me know!! xx