To All the Boys I've Loved Before

two

(i've changed niall's character to a random girl because i kinda hate the idea of him being in the family and i have a better idea for his character so if you're confused about who maddy is, she's harry and gemma's sister.)

Harry's POV

the next morning, Gemma is making coffee and I am pouring cereal in bowls, and I say the thing I've been thinking all morning. "Just so you know, Mum and Maddy are going to be really upset."
When Maddy and I were brushing our teeth just now, I was tempted to go ahead and spill the beans, but Maddy was still mad at me from yesterday, so I kept quiet. She didn't even acknowledge my cookies, though I know she ate them because all that was left on the plate were crumbs.

Gemma lets out a heavy sigh. "So I'm supposed to stay with Michal because of you and Mum and Maddy?"

"No, I'm just telling you."

"It's not like he would come over here that much once I was gone, anyway."

I frown. This didn't occur to me, that Michal would stop coming over because Gemma was gone. He was coming over long before they were ever a couple, so I don't see why he should stop.

"He might," I say. "He really loves Maddy."

She pushes the start button on the coffee machine. I'm watching her super carefully because Gemma's always been the one to make the coffee and I never have, and now that she's leaving (only six more days), I'd better learn how. With her back to me she says, "Maybe I won't even mention it to them."

"Um, I think they'll figure it out when he's not at the airport, Gogo." Gogo is my nickname for Gemma. As in go-go boots. "How many cups of water did you put in there? And how many spoons of coffee beans?"

"I'll write it all down for you," Gemma assures me. "In the notebook."

We keep a house notebook by the fridge. Gemma's idea, of course. It has all the important numbers and mum's schedule and Maddy's carpool. "Make sure you put in the number for the new dry cleaners," I say.

"Already done." Gemma slices a banana for her cereal: each slice is perfectly thin. "And also, Michal wouldn't have come to the airport with us anyway. You know how I feel about sad goodbyes." Gemma makes a face, like ugh, emotions.
I do know.

***

When Gemma decided to go to college in Scotland, it felt like a betrayal. Even though I knew it was coming, because of course she was going to go to college somewhere far away. And of course she was going to go to college in Scotland and study anthropology, because she is Gemma Styles, the girl with the maps and the travel books and the plans. Of course she would leave us one day.

I'm still mad at her, just a little. Just a teeny-tiny bit. Obviously I know it's not her fault. But she's going so far away, and we always said we'd be the Styles' forever. Mum first, me and Gemma in the middle, and my sister Maddy last. On her birth certificate she is Madison, but to us she is Maddy. Occasionally we call her Mads, because that's what I called her when she was born.

We are the four Styles'. There used to be five. My stepdad, Robin. Husband to my mum, father to us, a cheerful make-everyones-day-better guy to everyone else. Even though we call ourself the Styles', Mums last name is actually Twist. After she married Robin we all debated changing our names, but everyone already knew us as Styles in school and such, so we thought it would be more convenient to keep Styles.

It's been almost six years now, and sometimes it feels like just yesterday he was here, and sometimes it feels like he never was, only in dreams.

(tw // detailed character death)

He'd mopped the floors that morning; they were shiny and everything smelled like lemons and clean house. The phone was ringing in the kitchen, he came running in to answer it, and he slipped. He hit his head on the floor, and he was unconscious, but then he woke up and he was fine. That was his lucid interval. That's what they call it. A little while later he said he had a headache, he went to lie down on the couch, and then he didn't wake up.

Gemma was the one who found him. She was twelve. She took care of everything: she called 999, she called Mum, she told me to watch over Maddy, who was only three. I turned on the TV for Maddy in the playroom and I sat with her. That's all I did. I don't know what I would have done if Gemma hadn't been there. Even though Gemma is only two years older than me, I look up to her more than anybody.

(end of tw)

When other adults find out that my mum is a single mother of three kids, they shake their heads in admiration, like how does she do it? How does she ever manage that all by herself? The answer is Gemma. She's been an organizer from the start, everything labeled and scheduled and arranged in neat, even rows.

Gemma is a good girl, and I guess Maddy and I have followed her lead. I've never cheated or gotten drunk or smoked a cigarette or even had a girlfriend or boyfriend. The truth is, I don't really know what my sexuality is. I spent so much time when I was younger trying to figure it out that it got exhausting. So I gave up. I've never really had a crush on a girl before, unless you count my year 1 maths teacher. So a lot of people assume I'm gay, which I'm fine with, but I don't really choose to label myself. I'm just Harry.

We tease mum and say how lucky she is that we're all so good, but the truth is, we're the lucky ones. She's a really good mum. And she tries hard. She doesn't always understand us, but she tries, and that's the important thing. Me, Gemma and Maddy have an unspoken pact. To make life as easy as possible for mum. But then again, maybe it's not so unspoken, because how many times have I heard Gemma say, "Shh, be quiet, mum's taking a nap before she has to go back to the hospital," or "Don't bother mum with that, do it yourself"?

I've asked Gemma what she thinks it would have been like if Robin hadn't died. Like for example would we spend more time with his side of the family and not just on Thanksgiving and New Year's Day?

Gemma doesn't see the point in wondering. This is our life, there's no use in asking what if. No one could ever give you the answers. I try, I really do, but it's hard for me to accept this way of thinking. I'm always wondering about the what-ifs, of the road not taken.

***

Mum and Maddy come downstairs at the same time. Gemma pours mum a cup of coffee, black, and I pour milk in Maddy's cereal bowl. I push it in front of her, and she turns her head away from me and gets a yogurt out of the fridge. She takes it into the living room to eat in front of the TV. So she's still mad.

"I'm going to go to Costco later today, so you guys make a list of whatever you need," mum asks, taking a big sip of coffee. "I think I'll pick up some New York strips for dinner. We can grill out. Should I get one for Michal?"

My head whips in Gemma's direction. She opens her mouth and closes it. Then she says, "No, just get enough for the four of us, mum."

I give her a reproving look, and she ignores me. I've never known Gemma to chicken out before, but I suppose in matters of the heart, there's no predicting how a person will or won't behave.