Inner

The Encounter (II)

   The night, or maybe it was day—I wouldn't know—promised to be long, cold and unfulfilling. And I sat there in the silence, dark and brooding as I slowly lost what was left of my mind. Forced to remember all my failures and all the why's to which I'd never be good enough. Forced to take back every insult I'd ever given and forced to swallow my own bowls of bitterness, filled with all the hate I'd ever poured unto every soul I'd ever met, deserving or not—every bout of hate and anger.

The darkness stretched on, pressing against my eyes painfully as I came into gradual realization of the monster I had truly become. Tears held no salvation nor justice. They only came of their own accord, as a reminder of all the times I'd been in dire need of them but turned them down. All the times I'd been told to suck it up. Hold it in. All the times I had refused to let them fall; to set them free and let the fires of their victories dance across my cheeks. All the times I'd betrayed their existence and forcefully replaced them with painfully bright smiles and high-pitched laughters that made my insides scream in pain and disgust.

Now they were unstoppable. And freely, they flowed in salty rivers of painful triumph.

I was not alone in the room but not even the coldness of my darkness that caused my teeth to chatter and the warmth to flee my blood could take away the hands of my loneliness. Wrapped around my body and throat in a loving embrace, choking the life and will to live out of me—a will I'd lost ages ago.

My loneliness remained still. Even though her job had been completed. She'd been the most constant thing in my life, most diligent and hard-working too. When every other thing and person left, she always remained. Even while people were around, she never left my side. Never stopped whispering into my ears, how unloved I was and will always be. Never stopped assuring me, that every I love you ever spoken to me were nothing but lies.

And I believed her. Of course I did. She'd been the only constant companion in my life anyways.

And with a dashing smile, she would always light a matchstick and burn the parts of my heart where it seemed love had been engraved unto. She erased my cherished memories of smiles and laughters. She burnt the papery memories of how loved people ever made me feel and I never saw the wrong in her actions. All the love had been a lie anyways.

But it hurt to have her around. Always at my throat, always in my head. Always digging up and erasing old memories. And always cocooning me in dark blankets of coldness.

I wondered why she never dug up and erased the painful memories too. The memories I really wanted to erase. Those actually seemed to be her favorite.

She'd smile so innocently every time we stumbled across one of those dark memories—my loneliness. Her eyes would shine so brightly as she pulled open the pages of my pain and then she'd read them out loud to me, forcing me to relive lives I wish I never lived.

I deserved it. She used to say.

I deserved all the pain and hatred.

I felt eyes on me. Cold, dark, unyielding eyes.

My darkness was looking at me.

Her eyes mirrored the tears in mine. Her cheeks were as wet as mine were and her lips trembled just like mine did. And then those lips parted to form a question.

"Why?"

Her voice was as cold and dark as her very being. And her question reverberated through the dark windowless room we'd been forced into together.

"Why are you here?" She asked again and this time I looked away from her accusing gaze, unable to keep looking into myself—a self I'd always loathed.

"I don't know." My voice came out croaky and parse, my throat still held captive in the hands of my loneliness.

"You don't belong here." My darkness spoke again and I looked at her this time. A lone tear rolled down my cheek and I watched the same tear roll down her cheek too.

"Where do I belong then?" My voice mirrored the coldness in hers now as we stared into each other's eyes, feeling everything the other felt at the same time with our almost lifeless hearts beating in synced dull tones.

"I don't belong up there." I pointed somewhere I assumed was up. "And you say I don't belong down here. So tell me...where exactly do I belong, dear self?"

Another tear rolled down our cheeks simultaneously.

"I don't know. Maybe you're not supposed to belong somewhere." Her eyes had not left mine still and I had no inclination to break the eye contact.

"And how do you know that?" I wished to raise a brow with my question but my muscles seemed to be in limbo, my eyes, forced to do nothing but cry and stare into myself.

"I don't."

She said nothing more after that and I watched more tears roll down our cheeks simultaneously as we stared unwaveringly into each other.

"I don't want to be you anymore." My darkness finally spoke after a long while of silence. And I blinked. She did the same.

My lips trembled harder, and so did hers.

My eyes watered more, and so did hers.

My heart broke into a million pieces, and I could hear the sound of hers breaking in sync.

"I don't want to be anymore." I responded in that same cold, monotonous voice.