Not in Control

New Secret

I wake up and walk to the kitchen, Dave isn't home, he must be at work. On the kitchen island there is a hand written note 'there is everything for a fruit smoothie in the freezer, add in 1 scoop of protein powder. Your therapist will be calling at 12:00, you will have an hour long skype session and you will eat your lunch while skyping her, she reports to me, don't try anything. Love you.'
Suffocating... I think to myself. I grab a cup for some black coffee and I start the pot.

While it fills I climb into the counter and open the medicine cubbord, it's usually barren but Dave had a spinal injury 2 years ago that he got pain killers for and just recently his back started hurting so he got his prescription refilled. It was hopefully thinking but I figured I'd look anyways, maybe he had forgot he put them there last week. Shocked that I saw 2 nearly full bottles of Mobic, a pain killer/muscle relaxer. I grabbed them and popped 4 100mg pills into my mouth, giddy for the new secret I have that he doesn't yet have his controlling grasp on. I don't doubt that he will find out, if not from counting the pills, definitely from my therapist reporting to him that I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I grab my coffee and go outside, we have a large property with no neighborhood, just lots and lots on land, I speed walk around the fenced in portion of the lot, the more I move the quicker the Mobic will hit me. It's not that I need to take pain killers, fuck I'm 22, if anything pain is exhilarating at this age, I only feel I need to because of the thill that comes with having a new secret. Dave's been taking care of me sense I was 15 and we got married when I was 18, anything I do or have ever done, he knows about. I always enjoyed his in-control has his shit together personality because I didn't ever have sense of what an in-control life was before him. My mom taught me how to purge and gave me hunger suppressants like they were birthday presents from a young age, I never once had a single rule placed on me, I did as a please and drank myself sick weekly with friends providing all the alcohol and drugs I could ever want.
Once he saw me he fell in-love... with a project to shape and fix to his liking. As much as I fight the rules he places on me, I can't pretend that this dominant man doesn't turn me on when he grabs my hair and spanks my plump ass.

I don't realize my hand muscles have become jello-like until I drop my coffee mug in the grass. I guess the Mobic is working... I leave the mug and walk back to the house. Plopping on the couch I turn on Netflix and fall asleep.