my love : book 1

- 1 -

i sit against the cold wall in my dark room.

sweat poured down my neck/back

thunder and lightning flashed across the dark sky

a sight to behold for most i assume.

i hate thunder.

now i direct my gaze to the ceiling.

popcorn ceiling. probably filled with asbestos waiting to tumble down and fill my lungs or some shit

the night before my summer break is over and i spend it up all night because i'm a pussy that cant handle thunder

me and my sisters bedroom is covered with all my bags ready for me to go back to college

i click on my phone.

3:30 am

perhaps i should shower and risk getting my ass electrocuted then everyone finds me butt naked with a shampoo bottle up my ass from where i collapsed to the floor

or i can lay here and stare at the ceiling getting immersed in my 'sweet' and so very 'pleasant' thoughts again.

or i can attempt to sleep. which sounds incredible. but very unlikely.

seeing as none of these options sound very tempting.

shitily edited instagram memes are screaming my name right about now

the next 4-5 hours went by somewhat quickly

if you consider dozing off every 15 minutes only to be awoken from loud bangs then scrolling on instagram for 30 minutes, and repeating that process, as quick.

finally i heard my mom get up and walk through out the house, doing her daily routine:

wake up.
be a raging bitch.
drink coffee.
be slightly less of a raging bitch.
sleep.

maybe it's finally safe enough for me to shower without the worry of catching my actual ass on fire from lightning.

i tiptoe from my room to the small bathroom trying not to disturb the beast.

i shut the door quietly and stare in the mirror.

i would kill someone at first glance with how god awful i look right now.

my shortish blonde hair is quite literally a rats nest and my green eyes don't look alive. the eyebags really compliment the dead look that i'm going for apparently.

i turn my body completely around and start to strip, then hop into the shower.

a gasp or two was let out once the cold water started to fall and hit every crevice of skin i didn't realize i had until that moment.

once i finally got the water up to an acceptable temperature, i stood in silence just staring at the shower wall

staring at things and getting lost within my mind is my thing to do now i guess.

thoughts of things from the past tiptoe past anything positive, i may attempt to think about to cover up wounds

my father.

my sweet grandfathers death.

heartbreak.

abuse.

so many things that i have always tried to move past, yet it never goes as i may need it to.

therapy helped a bit. gave me coping mechanisms that i still use today.

but considering i'm a broke college student, who's schedule is filled to the brim with classes and being lazy, i never have given myself time to get another therapist.

i step out of the shower and again, start staring like a fucking lunatic.

i quickly brush my hair and put on my clothes getting ready for the hellish trip i'll have to endure.

one and a half hours isn't even that bad.

WRONG. it is with a car full of suitcases and obnoxious siblings to help with unpacking.

i stepped out and no one was awake yet.

time to do my favorite thing ever.

as i screeched. stomped. woke everyone in the house up, along with people in britain and argentina. my mother yelled my name and i scurried like an ugly little rat into the kitchen where the queen sat in a wooden chair sipping her coffee

'when do you need to be at university?'

'well, leaving as soon as possible would probably be nice. simply so i can get all my stuff unpacked and some of my books purchased.'

'shouldn't you have bought all that shit at the beginning of summer'

'probably.'

the next 2 hours were the biggest pain in my ass possible. f

as i shoved everything in my small car along with my 17 and 13 year old sisters, we were off. with my brother and mom trailing so closely to my bumper they could probably smell each individual hair on my head.

i finally got to my university barely sane.

between 2 sisters fighting and a phone call from my mama every 20 minutes, i don't know how i didn't drive off a bridge.

we hauled my shit into the dorm/apartment that's supposed to be mine and some other chicks.

i hate meeting new people.

i hate everything and everyone actually

after 4 fucking hours of unpacking my shit, i finally got everything how i wanted it and i told my family buh bye

they do get on my last nerves and treat me like dog shit, but i am grateful for them. sometimes.

as i stretched my legs and looked around my room, it's a cute little area. everything's organized and tidy.

i lay down on my shockingly comfortable bed and close my eyes.

the peace didn't last long at all.

my dorm was crashed through with a loud ass bang and things fell everywhere. not mine though thank fuck.

my eyes were pried open so i looked up.

5'8, long black hair, blue eyes, tan skin.

a fucking beauty queen.

my jaw honestly dropped

'i take it we're roomies' she asked

'i would assume so' i replied uninterested and rolled over

the next hours were obnoxiously awful.

no matter how stunning she is, she is so loud. and rude.

by the time she finished it was 8:00 at night and i no longer wanted to go and do things

i took my medication bag and searched for my sleep pills.

i popped 2 and put my airpods in my ear.

metallica played quietly as i felt myself slowly doze off into the abyss of darkness.

please mind let me sleep