Set Aside

Dear Diary - chasing shadows

Dear Diary,

Night is falling again. I have taken this journal to write underneath the moon, maybe the goddess will read my words if her light touches the page and offer me answers, as I still don't understand.

Away from the dining hall I have attempted to seek out the Alpha, hoping for time alone to discuss our mate bond and our relationship. We are mates; he has kept me here to have a relationship with me, hasn't he? I fear that isn't the case. I am almost certain now he is avoiding me or ensuring that we are never alone and forcing our bond to remain in the shadows.

Our bond.

It is like a fledgling, it thinks it is ready to fly the nest and be a strong eagle, gliding the skies and hunting at will. But it has doubts. The nest is perched high on a cliff face, inaccessible to predators, but also stopping the fledgling's access to the world. If it jumps from the nest will it fly and soar, or hurtle to the ground to be broken beyond repair?

The constant rejection from the Alpha is causing the bond to stutter. It still burns my heart, but it falters when he walks away from me.

I sought him out in the halls of the pack house on the second day, following the bond as a guide as I was still yet to receive a tour. Twisting and turning through corridors and retracing my steps from dead ends. I was lost and I was beginning to think the mate bond was too. Then I heard him. His strong authoritative voice carried through the still air. The bond was captivated by the sound and dragged me to the slightly ajar door where the sound drifted from. I reached the door and began to peak around the edge.

His hearty laugh.

A feminine giggle.

I see them now. Him propped up against his desk with her resting against him. Their fingers entwined together, softly stroking against each other. Him bent low whispering in her ear. A coy look on her face as she hides behind her blonde locks. The mate bond spits in indignation. His head snaps to the door and I know I am caught, what is my excuse for spying? I am his mate, do I even need one? Instead of acknowledging my presence, he bows his head low and gives the blonde she-wolf a deep kiss.

I stumbled away from the door and hid in my room.

The third day I decided that I must try again to speak with the Alpha. The bond became itchy, scratching deep wounds into my heart over the healing burns when it had burst into life. I would follow him. Stalk him. Hunt him.

As he left the dining hall with the blonde glued to his side, I rose from the table and headed to the exit. The maid barged in front of me blocking my way. She asked if I was satisfied with breakfast, with the basic necessities within my room. I nodded and looked over her and around her to watch which way the Alpha went. She asked me how long I intended to stay. My eyes snapped to hers. I had no answer, I was speechless. As time marched forward, just like my mate and the blonde had done, she shrugged and said I best leave the hall now, she didn't mean to keep me so long. She distracted me from my prey.

The fourth day, I outsmarted the maid. I left the dining hall early, and waited out of sight for the Alpha to appear and followed him by scent. I heard the blonde talk of shopping for new clothes and something special for him, and him giving permission for her to use his money.

She does not fill out the requisition forms.

I heard his Beta, I remembered his voice from the meeting with my pack. They exchanged their daily diaries and agreed a meeting, the Alpha would be alone in his office after lunch and I had my opportunity.

He knew I had been listening. Perhaps the mate bond had given away my location to him, humming at the relatively close proximity. I approached the offices after lunch and there were guards stationed there preventing my access. They had not been there on the second day, this was a new assignment for them.

They called me warrior. Had the Alpha not told them my name?

Wait.

My name had not been mentioned in the meeting and he has never spoken to me. The Alpha doesn't know my name.

How foolish I am.

A guard called me to him and insisted I accompany him for a pack tour, that I should get used to my new surroundings in case of a direct attack on the pack house. Such an asinine statement; the battles at the borders had never ventured that far in to anyone's pack lands. It was a border dispute only. He must know nothing about me, thinking I would fall for such a ridiculous reason.

I gave the guard in front of me a once over. He was tall and muscular, spine held straight with his whole body tensed for action. A stance of intimidation. His light brown hair clipped short on the sides with a slight length on top, but not enough to fall in his eyes.

I told him I would not be accompanying him on any tour. I needed to speak with the Alpha. We argued back and forth, him resolute in carrying out his orders, me stubborn in my persistence to speak with my mate.

I was bored of this pointless argument, and I held the key to ending it once and for all in my heart. As I spoke to declare my rightful position in the pack and my relationship with the Alpha, the man himself barked from within his office.

"Enough"

I know my face fell and my emotions were etched all over it. The Alpha knew my plan and stopped it immediately. He did not want the pack to know who I am. The bond snarled in fury at yet another slight to its existence. It demanded to be recognised and acknowledged for what it was. It was a hungry beast and it was being starved of nourishment, driving it rabid. It would thrive with contact, affection and attention between us, but in an emotional desert it would wither and weaken. The beast was determined not to go down without a fight.

I spent the remainder of the afternoon with the guard, touring the pack.

I avoided any attempts on the fifth day, but on the sixth I tried again to ambush him at his office, assuming a similar routine.

I had caught the Alpha unaware, no guards were in place and I could hear him shouting on the phone through the door, although his voice was muffled and I couldn't distinguish the words. There was a sudden silence and a low growl, making me pause. The silence continued and I wondered if I was making a mistake. Surely it wasn't wrong to trust in the bond, it was natural for wolves after all.

A light tapping started, getting louder and louder. I turned towards the source to see the blonde she-wolf round the corner, the sound her heels tapping on the wooden floor. She froze at the sight of me outside the Alpha's door and snarled.

Did she know who I am to the Alpha? Or is her snarl because I am an outsider to the pack? Or perhaps she thinks I may steal the Alpha from her, when in reality she is the one trying to steal him from me.

She strutted up to me, then diverted her eyes to the Alpha's door, fixed a sultry smile instead of a scowl on her face, then pushed the door open, swinging her hips as she walked in. I could see him sitting at his desk, smirking at the blonde as she entered.

"You requested me urgently, Alpha" the blonde spoke. Her words twisted like smoke within my lungs, choking me. Her soft, suggestive tones making it clear what she considered important 'business' with the Alpha. He had sensed me again, and this time called the blonde to save him. Her. To save him from me. His mate.

"We have nothing to say to each other. The guards will assist you. Don't bother me again"

I have committed the only words he has ever spoken to me to memory. I will never forget them. His tone was so cold and emotionless, I couldn't understand how he could talk to me that way, avoiding eye contact the whole time. I have done nothing to him, I did not acknowledge the bond in front of my pack like he did. Why couldn't he have let me leave instead of keeping me hostage? Especially if he has no intention of investing in our mateship.

I have been in this pack for one week and that is the sum of my interactions with my mate. The bond is growing heavy, like a sack filled with rocks, and it risks dragging me to the bottom of the fast paced river of life. I had been swimming freely, comfortably even, supported by my family and pack. Now I am alone and being dragged to the bottom, swallowing lungfuls of water, drowning as I carry the mass of the bond alone.

I was not going to write of my times with the guard, but something happened today and it could change everything. But it is late; a story for another day and a different entry.