Calm [H.S]

Epilogue 2

I just wanted to throw a WARNING on this one. I talk about the topic of pregnancy and trying to have a baby in this chapter, I don't talk about miscarriages, just pregnancy. So if that is a sensitive subject for you, you might want to just skim the chapter before fully reading to make sure it's okay with you or completely skip the chapter, make sure you do what is best for you :) Alrighty, on with the show.

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December 2023

    "I don't know, Harry, it's so stupid," I say, looking at my different paintings in my art studio. Harry shakes his head. "Leah, it's not stupid, honey. You just have to put yourself out there. Harry has been trying to get me to sell my art for a couple weeks now. I want to but all I can think about is the fact that if everything goes wrong or if people aren't interested it will crush me. I put everything into my art. It's my passion, I put so much of myself and my feelings into it. "Yeah but I don't know if I want to put myself out there," I say. I've always gone back and forth on whether I wanted to make it my job or not, it just always seemed too personal to me. "Just do it, you always talk about it. You're never gonna know how it's gonna work out if you don't try." A sick feeling comes over me, like really sick. I walk out of the room. It's my anxiety and all the stress I've been feeling lately probably, I'm getting all worked up over everything. To me it's not just a simple decision though.

"Where are you going, Leah?" Harry asks, poking his head out the door. I turn around to look at him. "I need air or something or I just need to sit down. I don't know, I just don't feel good." Harry follows me down the hallway into our bedroom. I sit down on the bed and he sits down next to me. "I'm sorry if the conversation freaked you out, take your time making that decision. Just relax. You look pale." He checks my forehead. I get up and walk into the bathroom, shutting the door. I feel like I'm gonna get sick. I sit down on the floor. I usually get nauseous but not this intense, I never usually throw up. Harry comes in. "Are you okay? Do you need me to get you anything?" He asks, sitting down next to me. I shake my head, resting it in my hands. "I don't know what is happening right now. When I get anxious I usually tend to get nauseous but it's never this intense. I never throw up," I explain, taking my head out of my hands to look at him. He just nods and looks away like he's thinking. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, hoping it will pass.

    We sat in silence for a few minutes. "I mean it could be food poisoning or something. Or if you ate something and your stomach didn't agree with it. Or you could have caught the stomach bug or something. Or it could be- no it couldn't." Harry says and I move my head to look at him. He gives me a confused look. "What? What were you about to say?" I sit up to look at him better. He shakes his head. "I was going to say that you could be pregnant because that's one of the symptoms I read about, but you haven't missed your period have you?" He read about pregnancy symptoms? He's really prepared, talk about studying. That's actually so cute of him. I can't help but smile.

We've been trying to get pregnant since June and we haven't been successful. I've taken what feels like millions of pregnancy tests and they all come back negative. Every time I see that it's negative it's heartbreaking. I feel like it's my fault, not that I can really control it. We want it so bad. It's been really stressful on us and our relationship. We finally sat down last week and decided to take a break from trying, if it happens it happens. I'm still off my birth control but we are not going at it every night hoping that I'll get pregnant. It was getting to be too much and it's exhausting. It was taking a toll. We were fighting, not constantly but more than I feel like we should be. Not because we were blaming each other, just because of how much stress we were putting on ourselves because of it. It doesn't help either when people around you get pregnant, it's hard to be happy for them. Olive just told me she was pregnant about over a month ago, she said they weren't even trying, it just happened, they didn't go into anything wanting a baby. I wanted to be happy for her and part of me was, but it made me more sad than anything else. I cried about it. My heart goes out to the people that go through this for years, I would never be able to.