Calm [H.S]

Chapter 25: No Stars

Harry's POV:

I stare up at the ceiling to the room of the guest bedroom that Leah is staying in. I moved her to the bed because I figured sitting on the floor wouldn't be good but she wouldn't let go of me, it's almost like she's reliving everything that she went through. So I'm laying with her, her head is on my chest. I haven't said anything to her because I don't really know what to say, there is nothing I could say really. So I just stare up at the ceiling as my head rests on the pillow. It's not awkward, if anything it's heartbreaking but she needed this to happen. She couldn't have held that in for much longer. It would've caused some sort of permanent damage.

I hate seeing her like this. When she finally started crying it was like everything hit her, every ounce of pain that she had been putting off cut her open to come out. It made me tear up but I had to be strong for her. The fact that she won't let go of me makes this all worse, that's how I know she's in so much pain because Leah a few hours ago wouldn't have even come in such a close proximity to me.

She's mainly stopped crying, she can actually catch her breath now. Every so often she'll get herself all worked up again but right now it's silent. I can just hear her breathe.

The sun is starting to go down, giving the room a golden glow. The light wasn't turned on because neither of us have moved so the room is just getting gradually darker. I finally make the move to look down at her and notice she's sleeping. I grab her wrist and move her arm from around my waist and I get up from the bed. I gently lay her hand back down on the bed and walk out of the room. I lean against the wall and take a deep breath. I take off my shirt that is soaked with Leah's tears and throw it into the hamper. I walk into my room and shut the door, running my hands through my hair. I put a shirt on and then go to get into bed to watch TV and then I stop myself.

I walk out of my room and go down stairs to my bookshelf. I pull out the book In Watermelon Sugar and the book Love Is a Mixtape and walk to the kitchen. I grab a glass of water and walk back upstairs.

I quietly walk into her room and look at her. The moonlight shining through the window onto her face. Her eyes are puffy and her face kind of has this pained look but at the same time she looks so peaceful, probably exhausted from everything going on in her head. I set the two books on the nightstand along with the glass of water just in case she wakes up in the middle of the night. I give her one last glance before I walk out of the room.

I close the door behind me and actually decide that instead of watching TV I'm going to do something to distract myself from everything. I just feel upset. Upset that she feels like this, upset that I can't make all of this go away, upset that I can't comfort her like I used to. I just don't know what to do. I've never really been in this position before, where I have no idea what to do at all. Useless is the word that comes to mind when I think about this situation, I'm useless.

I walk to the living room and sit down to think. I think about calling my sister, maybe Olive. But would Leah want this all aired out right now. She's in pain and probably doesn't want to deal with people but I'm just so lost on how I can help her. The truth is, I can't help. All I can do is be there if she needs me and I don't even know if she would want me to be there. I kinda overstepped already but I don't regret it, if I didn't she would still have everything all held in. At least now some of it is out, maybe she can breathe a little better. 

I get up, put my shoes on, and walk outside to my car, getting in. I begin to drive away in silence. I don't even think to put music on, everything is so loud already. I know I should've probably stayed because of the possibility of her waking up but I needed to breathe for a minute.

Some people would say that I'm being over dramatic because it isn't even happening to me but it's hard to see the person you love the most, yes she is the one person I love the most in this world, go through something so painful. I feel like sometimes it may be worse than actually going through it because you just have to watch them fall apart right in front of you.

It seems that Leah is just always prone to bad things happening to her. And you can't even say it's karma because she's never done anything to have it. If anything it would be the good kind where kindness is reciprocated. I would do anything in the world to just let her be happy and to have no one be able to hurt her again. But I would never be able to give that to her. I am one of the people in her life that's hurt her. I don't know how to fix it either. Will she ever trust me again? I ask myself that a lot.

I look at the clock and notice it's getting late and that I should go home. It's funny how fast time moves when you're lost in your own head.

I walk into the house and immediately go upstairs. I open the door to the guest room and peek in. She's sitting up, back against the headboard staring out the window at the moon. She didn't even move when I opened the door and I swear she hasn't blinked.

I walk over to her and sit on the edge of the bed. She doesn't look at me nor say a word, just stares out the window.

"No stars," she whispers, quietly enough where I can barely hear her. She sounds weak, in pain.

"Yeah, it's kinda cloudy tonight," I reply, quietly. Not wanting to disrupt whatever silence she's created.

"I can never see the stars anymore. I used to be able to," she whispers off into the distance. At this point I don't even know if she's talking to me or herself but it hurts to hear the pain in her voice.

"What do you mean? You can never see the stars anymore?" I question but she doesn't answer. Instead she makes eye contact, very intense eye contact. Which answers my question for me. 

Leah and I have always been able to read each other, her eyes tell me a million stories at once, this not such a good one. She can't see the stars because the light is gone, in her life I mean. She can't find them. 

She looks away again and looks back out the window. "You'll find them again, I know it."

I look away from her and down at my hands, not knowing what to say. I look back up when I feel the bed move. Leah is now laying down in a fetal position, her back facing me. I don't know whether to leave or to stay. As I look at her I notice her breathing getting heavier as if she was getting upset again.

I get up, walk to the other side to the bed and squat down so I'm eye level with her. She's in a full panic.

"Hey, it's okay, everything's going to be alright," I say, not knowing what to do. I want to just scoop her up and hold her but I can't do that. Her eyes are flicking between mine at a rapid rate. I put my hand on her wet cheek and stroke the tears away. "Do you want me to stay?" After a few seconds she nods and I walk over to the other side of the bed.

I lay down so I'm facing the ceiling, she turns on her side so she is now facing me, I do the same. Here we are now looking at each other. She keeps her eyes focused on me and relaxes.

She starts to have trouble keeping her eyes open and eventually drifts off. I turn on my other side and close my eyes. She's broken like glass if it were dropped. She's a Leah with no stars. 

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Hey pretties! Sorry this was a short chapter! Things have been busy and I have been dealing with some stuff but I just wanted to give you guys something. I love you guys so much, thank you for being my escape.