two can keep a secret,

chapter thirty-six.

Lilith.

The Astronomy tower is the most beautiful view in Hogwarts. At least, in my opinion it is. It's the easiest place to see the stars. It makes you seem like you're closer to the stars, so they're clearer. Brighter.

I look down. My legs are between the poles of the balcony. The ground is so far from here. I look back up at the stars. I never really liked heights.

My hand is in my jacket pocket before I can even register that I'm pulling out the box of cigarettes. I put my mouth to one of them and grab it from the box before putting it back in my pocket. I grab a lighter from the other pocket and light the cigarette. It takes a few seconds before it lights, but then I put the lighter back and look at the stairs with the cigarette in my mouth.

Dad would kill me if he knew that I smoked. He would kill me for knowing a lot of the things I do. The things I look at in the restricted section of the library. The muggles that I've gotten into fights with. The reason I have half the scars that I do have. The things that go through my mind at night.

What people don't know won't hurt them.

The air is cold against my skin. I probably shouldn't have just worn shorts, a bra, and an open zip up jacket up here in the middle of the night. But then again, I probably shouldn't do half the shit I do.

You only live once, right?

I hear the foot steps a little while later, but I don't bother to look around or get up. The person sits down next to me, putting their legs through the poles like I am.

"I didn't know you smoked," Riddle says, looking over at me.

I take the cigarette out of my mouth and blow out some smoke, not daring to look at him.

"Sometimes we have to kill ourselves a little to stay alive."

Don't worry, I won't do the whole 'it's a metaphor' thing.

"And what part are you killing tonight?" he asks, still looking at me when I take another drag.

"Fear."

"Of what?"

I finally turn to look at him. "You."

He looks over at me again, and he furrows his brows. "Why are you afraid of me?" He almost looks hurt. Almost.

I shake my head and put the cigarette back in my mouth, looking forward again. "There's so many things that I don't want to explain to you." I take the cigarette out of my mouth and blow out smoke. "I'm not afraid of you, but I am. And I hate it."

"Are you afraid I'll hurt you?"

"Not physically."

"Are you afraid you'll catch feelings for me?"

I fear that I already have.

"No," I lie.

I'm terrified of that. I'm really fucking terrified.

"Then why?" he asks.

"I can't tell you that." I sigh and shake my head. "Can we just sit here? Sit here and say nothing, or say stupid things that don't matter? Sit here and smoke? Sit here and pretend that nothing is wrong with our lives?"

He pauses for a second, as if thinking about it. I wouldn't blame him if he said no and got up and left. Who are the two of us to sit and act like normal people with normal lives? We're wizards that are always caught up in something. His father is one of the most dangerous wizards, and my father was one of his followers. We hate each other, and yet we have sex from time to time.