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Epiphany- Part 5

"When you hear the bell----

Julian woke up, the church bells treading their way through the air and into his ears. It was close to sunrise. Twilight, Julian's favorite part of the day. Julian noticed little droplets of rain begging to kiss the ground of London with harmony. He strolled out his bedroom. His throat was bone dry. The pain in his stomach still ensued. It had been getting worse over the last few days. Julian cursed the gods. How was he supposed to run when he couldn't barely walk towards his own kitchen? Passing by his parents' bedroom, he heard the low murmur of his mother's voice. He heard his own name and stopped dead in front of the door.

"He's getting worse John, the medicine isn't working," his mother was saying, her voice sadder than Julian had ever heard. He wondered when was the last time he actually carefully listened to his mother. All this careful picking out of footsteps and doorknob twists, he'd never given much thought to how her mother always sounded. Right now, she was choking on her words. His hate faltered.

"Samantha, don't worry. We'll go to the doctor's today. It's his 11th birthday today, we should take him with us. He needs to see London, even if it's his first time."

"John I-"

"What's wrong? Is there something you're not telling me? It's hardly fair when you hide these things from me. I don't- I don't stay in the house pretty often. Samantha please."

"I'm just so worried for the poor kid. He hates us. I know he does. He thinks I-"

"Oh, I'm sure he doesn't hate us- that's- that's absurd. He's your son. Our son. And I would know, we have plenty. He doesn't hate you."

"You don't get it John. You don't see the way he looks at me. You don't see that way he talks...or doesn't talk to me. To any of us."

"I-"

"I'm just worried he will leave me before I get a chance to explain to him. Explain how much he's had taken away from him and explain how much I love him regardless. I don't know if he'll ever understand us, understand he's not a burden when I look at him with smiling eyes, but he never seems to like it when I smile. He always looks away. Does he see his pain in mine? Does he see mine? He looks at me in disgust sometimes, looks at his siblings in jealousy. How do I tell him my heart burns for him the most, that I love him more than I could love myself? I don't know if he'll ever-"

Her words drowned out as Julian ran back to his bedroom, tears streaming down his eyes. It couldn't be true. Her words- Julian choked on the gravity of the words. Choked on his hate, his jealousy, his mistakes. Realization struck him like a freight train, his ears buzzed with guilt and hurt. He gulped fire as his stomach burned and singed with pain. From sickness or guilt? Julian couldn't decide.

"---bring yourself back to the breath."

But Julian couldn't breathe. He remembered the Tales Of King James, the story book he'd read out to Lila, her laughing at how the prideful king met his fall because of his big-headed mistakes. Julian wondered whether his sister would remember him as King Jules. Julian cried.

Julian's room was a mess, he'd never bothered to fix any of this. He'd never bothered to clean thinking he would be leaving them behind one day anyway. Julian's stomach lurched in pain again. His tongue was bitter. Why had he never made his room look like more of a permanent home than a temporary one? How could he never realize? Looking around his room, something told him he should tidy up. He collected many things but never quite enough. Never tried looking at it from- the words got stuck in his mind.

Julian didn't want to leave his family anymore. Not like this. He'd never told them he loved them. He'd never told his mother he loved her. Guilt parched his throat, as it dried out like a desert.

He wanted to redecorate his room. Wanted that sense of security in cleaning his room. In showing them how wrong he had been. Even if this was a small payback, he would earn his way through to their forgiveness. He didn't want to make them make decisions based on what he'd done. He wanted to redeco- the words got stuck in his mind again. His stomach now felt like lead, lurching with a pain so intense he wasn't sure how he was standing up.

"Don't look down, out into nothing. Don't look down, searching for something."

Julian couldn't see his room, his eyes black outed, the edges of his pupils slowly going dark like vignetting pictures. He had no more chances left. Julian didn't scream for help as he lay down on the floor, eyes not completely shut. He whispered apologies to his family and a kiss to Lila hoping the air would carry his thoughts to them through his shut door. Hoping it would carry his love to Lila. To all of them. He couldn't redecorate the life he wanted to live, so Julian kept his failure on display. Soon, Lila and the others would find his. She would cry. As he lay eyes closed giving up to his sickness, his stomach lurched treacherously one last time. Lila would cry.

"I wish I was there for you; what for? I'm not really sure."

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