Cordelia Goode x Reader- Traitor

I kept quiet

All it takes for you to snap out of your thoughts and land right back in reality, the reality of Cordelia's office at the academy, is the supreme herself. Ever since walking in here and sitting down, there has been this silence and even though it hasn't lasted longer than a few seconds, maybe a minute, it feels like an eternity to both of you. 

It feels like you are both stuck in this endless loop, a loop full of emotions, flashbacks and both happy and painful memories and it seems like the only way to escape, is to adress what is clearly on both of your minds. The reason you aren't the one to break the silence, isn't pride or you not knowing what to say, it's not all the flashbacks you are pulled into or simply Cordelia's presence, it's that to you all is said and done. 

Of course ever since leaving about a year ago, there have been a lot of ''what if's?'' and just a lot of question in general and it seems like the blonde currently sitting in front of you, couldn't answer any of them back then and you are unsure whether she would be able to now. Surprisingly the only one that managed to be honest with you and give you the answers you seeked, long before leaving the academy, has been Zoe. The girl that initially opened the doors to the academy to you and became a good friend even after you left. 

She is a very caring person and only wants what's best for everyone and despite knowing she would be hurting you with the truth, she rather have you knowing to be able to get over it and to heal, than never knowing the truth and breaking from the lack of knowledge. 

As you look at Cordelia, seeing the nervous fiddling with her long slender fingers and the furrowing of her eyebrows, you know that she is on edge and that she has a lot to say but something clearly holding her back. You never liked the creases in her features, whenever something, no matter how small or big, was bothering her beautiful mind and you hated whenever you were the reason for her concern or her feeling any negative emotion because of you. 

If you could see underneath the table, you could see her leg bouncing up and down which is quite unusual for Cordelia, unless she is in a very boring council meeting that she can't wait to get out of. If you could take a glance inside her mind and head, you would see how conflicted she is having you back here. 

Conflicted about what to tell you, how to convince you that she never meant for any of this to happen, you leaving, you hurting because of her and you losing a place that at one point was more than a home to you than any other home ever was. What Cordelia doesn't know is that over the space of this year, you have managed to find your own little version of a happy ending and your life changed, just like it did when moving to New Orleans with your parents, when moving into a tiny apartment after their passing, when moving into the academy, when moving from your own bedroom into Cordelia's and then moving from that room to sunny Los Angeles. 

''So how have you been, really?'' Cordelia breaks the silence after another minute passing, completely unable to keep it together for any longer and just needing some words out to kill this silence. 

It takes you by surprise that she is the one to break the silence, and for a second you aren't really sure what to say at all. Taking your eyes away from her fiddling hands, you glance at her for the first time that night, like not just lingering your eyes on her but truly taking in her features. You notice the wrinkles on her face and that she seems tired, just like she usually would when overworking herself and spending countless nights in her office. 

Shaking your head slightly and blinking once, you try and stop your thoughts from going further and so you simply try and form a reply. ''I have been good, really'' you answer with a small smile but the blonde sitting across from you isn't too sure whether it's one of your genuine smiles or a forced one, so she would simply believe you and stop her from questioning further, just like before.