Find Out For Yourself. [POETRY]

case file #414

this poem is about my trauma and I don't know how it will come across. I don't know if anyone will relate.

~

a heart languishing, malnourished and starved of love and life. I'm laid to waste on a hospital bed with no visitors. / 24 hours of being watched indifferently through gaps in the sterile curtains by people who promise through gritted teeth that they care.

so, this is what it feels like to atrophy / blue fingernails and seeing spots / I'm hungry, but I don't know what feeds me / and I don't know what kind of creature I am; an autopsy specimen maybe, not fit for priority investigation / only for display underneath finger-smudged glass with pins in my body / I'm not human.

you've done things to me. I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't. / I don't know you, we've met a hundred times, we'll never see eye to eye, we'll never meet again / I'm so familiar with you every single time / you wear white, usually, but you don't look like any kind of child or angel, and I guess I'm secular but you're a kind of godlessness I don't want.

if I touched you for once, if I did to you what you've forced on me, I think the world would shift sideways / would it hurt you? does it hurt to be touched? / does it hurt to be me?

it's a strange place, a fate I didn't expect / too late too late too late, you keep hissing at me / but when I was early, you wouldn't take me, and you pushed me away in that office while I fell to my knees / the floor was lacquered, blue with shimmering grit / I never looked at your shoes, but I bet they were polished and jet black / doesn't matter, cos I was busy looking at my own helpless bloody knuckles, anyway.