iridescent

dos

052321 | Seoul

diary,

Love, can be turbulent and unclear like a vague painting.

There are so many meanings. There are contradictions, parallels, and tangents. It's confusing! There are so many signs, so many things you can and cannot see. The thing is, it's just there;  waiting to be on the spotlight. So diary, whenever you feel unloved, you're just interpreting that painting wrong.

So, look for the right angle. Trust me, either you find it or it finds you.

Just like Park Jimin, my partner in lab class. We never really had a good start. Not when I accidentally ripped his white shirt when I tripped on the pavement of our uni's garden on the way to the library, revealing his "NEVERMIND" tattoo, which was supposed to be prohibited as said in the school rules.

He left the vicinity immediately while I was left to fend to the scrapes on my hand.

I was too shy back then. Always wearing my glasses despite having good eyesight. That time, I was focused in my acads. I had to impress music labels with my credentials if I want to be hired in the future! I really had a hard time with Physics and number related subjects. Not to mention, it was Chemistry that almost made me bawl in bed in the middle of the night.

Jimin was the type to be easily pissed. A total perfectionist and A+ student with an attitude. Honestly, I forgot how we came to be partners, he just sat next to me and said "I'm your partner. Deal with it, Namjoon ssi." It made me wonder, actually. Why would someone who had made them the talk of the school for three days still make this person their partner?

It was confusing, diary. So confusing. As the days passed, my frustration grew. I couldn't speak to him directly or apologize because inside the four walls of the classroom, we're partners, and by the time the bell rings—he's gone; like smoke floating through the rafters once the wood has turned to ash. Too fast. Too fast.

Valentines day.

I hid in the library because I have no one to be with anyway. No one else was there, just me and the silence that keeps me calm enough away from the celebration. I have a book that I've been reading, but it's not allowed to be borrowed so I make sure to make a daily habit of visiting the lib on free time. In one of the pages was a letter in crimson red and the black initials of PJM.

There, it says,

"Namjoon-ssi, it's so stupid that I had to write this instead of speaking to you in person. Nevertheless, I hope this letter finds you. I hid this in the book you're reading, so I am wishing that it finds its owner.

Long before that incident, we have met. Remember the person with the flat bicycle tire? That was me. Thanks for helping me out, your presence made me at ease and I did not blame myself for being clumsy and stupid like I always do. I know I came off rude. Everytime you look at me, I can always see the calm moon and I had to be sharp as steel in speaking so I won't lose the audacity of even sitting beside you.

I have always loved those dimples. I wanted to poke them, actually, and see if they're as deep as my admiration for you. I know, this must be shocking. I acted like a jerk, too aloof to be with. Maybe if we meet again, I can tell you in person that I liked you. A lot.

Au revoir,
Namjoon hyung."

And that was it. Later on I've heard he was sent to US because of his insanely great grades and skills. Another thing is the influence of his father who was the owner of the school— gave me quite a shock when I knew—so he had no choice.

Come to think of it, I did like him. Admired him, even.

He has a cute voice despite of him looking so tough, and I loved listening to him. I mean, I get what Professor Jjang is teaching but, I find it easier to understand the lesson whenever he speaks.

I always mix up the wrong chemicals and he teaches me the right dosage needed, lest I put off an atomic bomb by accident. I hesitate to ask him about things sometimes, but I really, really find it cool that he'd give me a concise answer right away.

Maybe I felt more than just like, but I was in the early stage of adulthood. The puppy love days still freshly worn off like the golden brown leaves falling off trees in autumn. Maybe it was love. We haven't met since, but he's a great chemist now. The university I was in before is now under his name. I still admire him, but not the way it was before.

He taught me that if you want something, go get it! Life is way too unexpected to be cautious. Sometimes, you just got to grab that chance, that one moment, or else it's gone forever.

Isn't that right, diary?

from Namjoon.