iridescent

cinco

dear diary,

You can never hide from Love, no.
Not even when you ignore it on purpose.
Nope.

I hate being dense. Because, sometimes, Love is just there, loudly knocking on the invisible door inside your heart in hopes that you would notice it. I could say that I have regrets in life, and that might be not having a 20/20 vision when it comes to it—after everything, it became clear to me that Love is just a diversion, a distraction in life that can cause destruction.

But you know what, diary? I'd rather have my heart be blown to bits in the aftermath of love, than not knowing at all.

I met Min Yoongi three months after Hoseok left Bighit. He was a producer as well. Quite shorter than me, he's got cat eyes, small nose, and cute thin lips that unconsciously pout while listening to the draft we make sometimes. He's a man of a few words, he barely speaks unless it's necessary in our discussion, and I find him cool.

Diary, if peace was a person, that's probably him. Even if we are together in the same room, he has never invaded my personal space and makes sure to talk in low register. Everytime I think of him, the word "cute" is what comes to my mind.

Actually, we're not supposed to be in one studio since our genres are really different, at some point. I like to show and tell with imageries, small comforts, and flowery words, he's the type to be direct yet at the same time his written lyrics has meanings beyond the literal sense that it blows me off sometimes. Yet, we were given an assignment to collab since bangtan's recent album hit the top ranks on the global charts.

I was nervous at first because our ideas might clash, and that it is NOT a good idea at all, but seeing who he is and what he does, it made me at ease.

I really admired him, both as a producer and as a person.

And about me being dense? That's true, maybe. Just maybe. All the things he did for me, I deemed it as something he normally does. I never thought of it deeply, nope. Never.

Everytime we get together in the main studio to make up new beats and edit some old drafts for songs, he'd always be the first to ask if I'm tired and, if I am, we can take a break. He'd carefully set a cup of coffee on my table on late nights, making sure that I noticed it before leaving in case I topple it all over the keyboard (it happened on the first night and I spent an hour apologizing for my clumsiness, it was embarrassing!).

We're in a group chat with all of the producers and bangpdnim, but he chooses to send me private messages while saying that "it just concerns you so there's no need to send it in the gc" and proceed to write off concise, short messages about the upcoming album's theme and the ideas we can inculcate in it. His knowledge about life and things in general is just HOT.

Don't get me wrong, diary— I mean, he is sexy and all, but I meant hot like the husband type. Yoongi fixes my broken equipment, helps me arrange the items in my RKIVE studio, and well, all the things I've <accidentally> broken. I'm not the type to assume their sexuality and preference, but even with the denial that it's just plain idolizing, I can't hide it for long.

I like Min Yoongi.

Diary, I did. I liked them so much but you know that reflex where you touched fire and it burned your finger so you don't wanna be near it anymore? That was me. I was scared of losing him, not just as a person I admire the most but as a friend, too. That's why, I always perceived his gestures as friendly, reading nothing more and nothing less.

"It's just coffee or, so what if he asked if you were okay? friends do that." I'd tell myself, shrugging all the assumptions away. Our finished works, Anti-Romantic,  0X1=LoveSong, and INeedU went perfectly. Too perfect, that I felt compelled to thank him as the rest of our colleagues  left, leaving the both of us behind.

"Yoongi ssi, wait!"

"Huh? Yes, Joon? Just call me Yoongi. I mean, if you want to."

He's so laidback, so I calmed my hammering heartbeat and breathed in and out before saying, "You did well, I'm glad we worked together for this album."

I wanna add an 'I like you' but you get that point where you find it inappropriate? that you have no opening to insert that line? Yeah, that was it. Besides, my heart may not take it if they leave, that they'll also be gone even if I chase my admiration and total likeness of them.

He smiled at me, diary. Man, that gummy smile melts my heart whenever it appears on his face. He's… he's gorgeous, intelligent, sweet, caring, and more! He's a total package, and I am now feeling some sense of regret for not admitting anything at all.

And he replied, "Thanks, Joon. We all did it, with our hardwork. It's.. it's not just me, it's Us. Good night!"

He was getting ready to go, finally heading out home after the long day, but the moment he's at the door, he turned back at me and added, "I forgot that I brought an extra coat and scarf today, you can use it." Then he was gone.

I knew. I knew deep inside that he brought the coat on purpose. I may have been trying hard to be ignorant, but his sweet and thoughtful actions warm my heart. So much. I always forget to bring a coat since I wake up rather late and my clothes are all over the place so, I just thought, I just thought that maybe he brought it for me.

Oh, to be with a man named Min Yoongi. He's too perfect, too out of my league, diary. In all of the months we've spent working on songs, I have found myself subtly falling in love. I, too, tried to return the gestures he does. From handing him a finished song, to sending him coffee, and gifting him a scarf on his birthday. We basically became close to the point where we would go home together and part at the bus stop.

Oh, and if you're asking, diary, we never got together. Even when bighit got acquired by HYBE entertainment and Min Yoongi got assigned in the Japan franchise, leaving me as one of the only producers who got to stay for bangtan's music. It's disheartening. It's a sad thing to know because I got used to meeting Yoongi everyday, but atleast the group I've been making music for has grown into great artists.

I was happy that bighit is now a part of a big company, but I longed to work with Yoongi again. I missed his presence in the same building even if we are not necessarily in the same room. I long to talk with him personally about lyrics, about his passion in life, our aspirations in music and our dreams. That bond was there, you know, and I felt that distance severed our friendship? relationship? I don't know. Without him, it wasn't the same, but I had to keep going, of course.

With Yoongi, I learned that Love, can be subtle. Gentle. Sweet.

It doesn't have to be loud for anyone to feel it— or to hear it. You don't have to say, "HEY, YOU! I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I'M IN LOVE! I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" to every person you deem worthy of affection, instead you guide them with your hand on a long staircase, open the door for them on the way to a café, and smile at them adoringly while you both dwell in your own personal space at the same room.

The actions that serve as the the language of affection, even in the most subtle touch can make ripples in the ether of romance. A gentle push can make an array of dominoes fall, what more when it comes to Aphrodite and Eros' antics, right?

Loving in silence is underrated but honestly? It's the sweetest thing, because no other words you say will ever match what you can make them feel. 

Maybe in the future, I can slip a note, or an email, saying that I liked them before? Just to let it out my chest, cause sometimes you have to be loud too, to let them see. Who knows? Maybe. Just maybe. They liked you all along.

I hope we meet again, Yoongi. I have loved you.

from Namjoon.