Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Learning to Fly

Dear diary,

It's been a while, I know, but with covid and quarantine, there hasn't been a lot to write about... well not a lot I wanted to write about. I still don't really want to write down what's happening now, but I'm hoping it'll help me make sense of it all. I'll get the hard part out of the way first; Andrew Deluca was murdered this week. He and Carina were following Opal, the woman who was trafficking teenage girls, and someone stabbed him in the middle of a train station. They did their best at Grey Sloan to repair the damage, but his injuries were too severe. He died.

It's never easy losing a friend, but it's been even worse watching Carina struggle with her grief. Oh yeah, Carina moved in with Maya... and me, well for now. I told them I would start looking for a place when they moved in together but they fought me on it, saying that I couldn't find new roommates in the middle of a pandemic and we should all wait out the virus together. I thought it would be kinda weird but it's actually been great. And now I'm more glad than ever that I'm still here.

Anyway, it's been a draining few days to say the least. We keep finding Carina in random places around the house: the kitchen floor, the shower, the middle of the hallway. Wherever she is, she just lays there with a blank look of disbelief on her face. It's heartbreaking. Maya has really been trying her best to be there for her, for both of us really, but it's clear she really isn't sure what to do. But to be fair, who would?

I haven't been going in for shifts the last few days; they've let me off since Andrew was my friend, so I've been home a lot to witness everything. Earlier today, Maya found Carina sitting in the shower. She said that the bed and couch, and even Maya, were all too soft. Anything actually comfortable just made her cry. Maya looked pretty defeated when she came out of the bathroom and sat next to me on the couch. She lamented that she didn't know what to do, that nothing she did seemed to help, it just made everything worse. Before then, I had been trying to let Maya take the lead in helping Carina through her grief. Obviously I was there for her too, but I didn't want to overstep. But seeing Maya sitting there feeling helpless I finally asked if I could step in, explaining that I've been here before. I've lost a lot of people, well you already know that, and I've learned a lot from it. I've seen what helped me and my friends and maybe one of those things could help Carina. Maya just nodded and waved me into the bathroom.

Mattie walked into the bathroom quietly and without saying a word joined Carina on the shower floor.

"Comfy?" she asked.

Carina shook her head slowly.

"Is that the point?" Mattie asked, looking over at her friend.

Tearfully, Carina nodded.

Mattie let out a sigh, "okay then," she said as she settled back and rested her hand next to Carina's. She was careful to not actually hold her hand, but just put her fingers up against Carina's, a quiet reminder that she wasn't alone.

I sat in silence with Carina for a solid 40 minutes. I didn't want to press her to talk or cry or anything; I just wanted to make sure she knew I was there. Eventually she said that she still couldn't sleep so she might as well shower while she was in there. I chuckled and headed out to find Maya and make some lunch. I found her at the counter with her laptop and phone and a pad of paper making lists and phone calls and doing everything she could think of to take things off of her girlfriend's plate. I offered to help but she said that she wanted to do it. She couldn't keep feeling helpless and at least this was something she could actually do. I nodded and just made three sandwiches, knowing full well that Maya was too focused to eat right away and that Carina wouldn't emerge for a while.