Armaya Nicolai

Chapter 4

"I'm sorry if I came here tonight. I just need to talk to you." Bungad ni Ken. Tsaka na lamang natuon ang pansin ko sa kanya. Wala itong dalang gitara so I'm guessing he really came here to talk seriously this time.

"It's okay. " Sagot ko sa kanya. Paminsan ay napapatingin ako sa ngayo'y nakaparada nang itim na Audi sa malayo.

"I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry. Hindi ko naman na ipipilit yung nasira nang relationship. I just really want to apologize." He said. Bigla akoong napanatag nang marinig ang sinabi nito. I was doubting him  earlier. I was thinking na baka pilitin na naman ako nito sa mga excuses niya.

"I already told you na wala na iyon. I forgive you. You don't really have to worry about me anymore." I answered. Bakas naman sa mukha nito ang relief at the same time ay lungkot.

"I really like you Maya. But I realize, I don't think I deserve you. From day one, I am pretty sure you are someone whom should be taken seriously. Pero gago ako to cheat several times. I guess mahirap sa akin magseryoso pa. You're right, I am an asshole. I deserve this and you, you deserve someone better." paliwanag nito.

Somehow I felt bad. I knew that I didn't really love him at all. I was just probably longing for someone. I needed companion. I needed someone. No, scratch that, how can I lie to myself again? I know what I needed, what I've been looking for, I needed someone to help me forget him. After my first relationship, I tried to move on, I met Nico Sanreal on one of my soul searching travels, I had to break up with him too because he was too tied up on his family's business. I was on an emotional outbreak during those days and I knew back then, Nico didn't deserve to get involve with my issues. Then came Ken during my intern, he was funny, comfortable to be with, he was a good friend not until he wanted to court me. I gave me him the chance, or maybe, maybe ako talaga ang may gusto ng chance. I wanted to test myself. Pero looking at us now, how we both confess that we don't deserve each other, I guess I failed again.

"I really hope you'll be able to find someone better Ken. Someone who can really accept you and give you the unconditional love, no limit, just pure love na kahit ilang beses kang magkamali, kaya kang balikan. " I reached for his hands while saying these words. Natawa ito.

"Ang hirap ata nun Maya! Pero, you exist kaya alam kong may iba ding kayang gumawa nun. You are rare. If only you haven't felt messed up with your past relationship, I am sure you can still love unconditionally. " Ken said. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng pagkadismaya para sa sarili ko. Did I really change? Did I really let those pains swallow me? Am I really not capable?

"Don't think about it too much. You'll find that right person Maya. It will come. Anyway, I have to go. You need to rest. Galing ata kayo sa mahabang byahe. Thank you for always listening. You always take care okay?" Ken said. He opened his arms as if asking for a hug kaya lumapit ako sa kanya para yakapin din siya.

When Ken was already gone ay naiwan na lamang akong mag-isa sa tapat ng bahay at nakatulala. I feel like a total mess. I feel like I cannot be fixed anymore. Napaupo ako sa gutter sa tapat ng aking apartment habang pinapanood ang kakaunting mga taong dumaraan. I remember that black car again, to my dismay ay wala na ito sa paligid.

Pagpasok ay saka ko lang nakita ang mga missed calls ni Prim at ang text message ng broker ng condo unit ko sa Pasay. I dialled Prim's number first. I told her about several things lalo na ang mga naging usapan namin ni Ken.

"Napaka sad boy naman ni Ken. Does he thinks na kapag magpapakasad boy siya ay maawa ka then you guys can just hug and go back to each other?" Prim said. Sa di ko malamang kadahilanan ay siya itong imbyerna parati kay Ken. I was scrolling through my emails and I saw emails from D&C again for their offer as Director of Marketing Research, for some reason I read the attached letter and it was indeed an exclusive offer under my name.