Of Love and Valor

7: What If

"Azerai!" A familiar voice calls my name. I can't see the source of the voice. My eyes are full of smoke and tears. Smoke and devastation fill my nostrils. My lungs are still rejecting all the smoke I breathed in while I was in that house. Water splashes my face. "Try to drink." Something is touching my lips. I fight to suppress the coughing. Water trickles into my mouth. Some of it makes it down my throat, but then I cough again. The world is a blur of tears and smoke and sky and a silhouette above my head.

"It's all right. Try again." I do my best to comply. The little bit of water I've drank already has helped a little.

"Are they okay?" I croak between coughs.

"The healers are seeing to them now. I'm more worried about you." Damp fabric wipes my face, despite my coughing. When it lifts away, the silhouette has become Zelphinon's face. "What were you thinking?"

"I had to save them."

"The roof caved in mere moments after you came out the third time. You could have died."

"It was like Kennakara...all over again. Like when I lost...my family...everyone."

"Risking your life won't bring them back."

I want to answer him, but the words are lost in sobs and coughs. A fresh torrent of tears cascades from my eyes. He's right...but if I couldn't save my family...my village...at least I can save others. I can keep others from losing everything. If I must be the last of the Enniskzari...then I will be an ending all my ancestors can be proud of.

"Azerai...I'm sorry. I just can't lose you," he tells me softly. The damp fabric is back, gently wiping my tears away. His other hand is behind my head, on the valix in my hair. I had forgotten about it, once the fire was mentioned. I hope it's not damaged.

"I'm not lost," I say, trying to reassure him.

He shakes his head. "You could have been. I tried to follow you in, when you went back after bringing out the two girls, but the others held me back and then part of the ceiling collapsed, so I decided to help try to hold the flames at bay. You came back with the baby, handed it to Cezarya, and then went back again, and I tried to stop you but you slipped through my hands like water. It was like you were possessed, or something.... Like when the Erivim attacked Andelxiao, but more frantic, more desperate."

"It was you...trying to stop me."

"Trying to protect you. Azerai, if you'd taken even two or three moments more getting that couple out of there, you all would have been crushed by burning rubble when the roof came down."

"I survived...my house collapsing...in Kennakara..."

"Then you've already won a gamble with Fate. Don't push your luck. I want you alive. With me." The hand on the valix moves, his fingers running over it and the back of my head gently. "Did you forget about this? About me? Does the future not matter to you?"

"No. I just.... It's not that...I don't...." A fit of coughing, but as much to collect my thoughts as because of the smoke in my lungs. "Could you...have left them? If you'd seen them...in that inferno?"

He starts and stops a few times before sighing in frustration. "No. I would have done the same stupid, crazy nonsense you did. And how would you feel, if I'd gone in there in your place?"

"Relieved...that you were alive. And the family...all brought to safety."

"And if the roof had collapsed on me?"

I don't want to think about this. "You're faster...and stronger...than me. If I could make it out..."

"That's not the point, Azerai."

"I don't...want to lose you, either."

"Can we promise, then, never to scare each other like this?"

"No."

He stares at me in disbelief.

"Zelphinon...in this job...there will be more battles. More danger. These scares...they are part...of the path...we have chosen."

"Ah, there you are," Kazmiohn Ruokharismet interrupts, which I for one count to be a blessing. "I'm told you were incredibly brave, and incredibly stupid, during our fire-fighting efforts."

"Just this one," Zelphinon mutters in reply, gesturing to me even as he continues to support me against him. I don't think I have the strength to stand as I should in the presence of my commanding officer.

"Yes, I know. The one who was already running as soon as it was mentioned that people were trapped inside the burning house. The one who didn't bother to wait for instructions on how we handle things like that in Orenxiao despite this being her first day on the job. The one who put herself into an insane amount of danger...and saved five people's lives today because of it."

"They will all live?" I ask, hardly able to believe it. Thank Heaven.

The Kazmiohn nods gravely. I sink back against Zelphinon, flooded with relief.

"The man's legs are both broken, and the baby and the middle child need to be kept under close observation for a day and a night, but they should all live, the healers say."

"That is good...to hear, Kazmiohn."

"I don't know what to do with you, Azerai. Part of me says you should be disciplined for so flagrantly violating our usual policies, protocols, and procedures. Part of me says you should be honored your bravery because it saved lives."

"With all due respect, Kazmiohn, please don't encourage her to do more things like this," Zelphinon mutters.

"Nothing could be further from my mind," Kazmiohn Ruokharismet assures him. "As much as I'm told she enjoys getting attention for her good works, it occurs to me that honoring her for her actions today might serve as a deterrent."

"Kazmiohn...are we not sworn...to protect and serve...all our citizens...even if...especially if...they find themselves...in mortal danger?" I ask laboriously. I still can't draw a full breath without coughing.

"Your motives are noble, Azerai, but it takes a lot of time and money to train a warrior, and warriors of your alleged caliber are particularly rare. It would be most beneficial to the Orenzhanim if you would not make a habit of plunging into burning buildings."

"I hope...Kazmiohn...that I do not have to."

"What do you mean, have to? No one asked you to do what you did today." He pauses, his face a cocktail of frustration and confusion. "Why did you do it?"

"I...moved without thinking, Kazmiohn. In my head...Kennakara...when the Erivim..." The tears start leaking out again, despite my best efforts. "I was afraid...that it was...happening again. Somewhere else. And I cannot...allow that. No one else...must suffer...such a fate."

Somehow, these words seem to move both Kazmiohn Ruokharismet and Zelphinon. Less frustration and more understanding is apparent in both of their faces.

"Well. I do not suppose it is fair to skills test any of you today, given this inconvenient mess. I think I've seen what I needed from all of you today, anyway. Pull yourselves together and get some dinner. You'll have watchtower duty at the next gong. Watchtower of the Bear. It's in the southwest quarter, close to home for both of you, so I don't expect you'll have trouble finding it. Watchtower duty is the same here as in Andelxiao, so I expect there will be no further breaches of protocol or any other difficulties. Gong after that come back to the West Gate for another patrol, and then you're done for the day once that patrol ends."

"Yes, Kazmiohn," Zelphinon and I agree together.

"And Azerai...I understand that things have been difficult for you. But don't let the past get in the way of your judgment in the present. You have a lot of potential. It'd be a shame to squander it."

I have nothing to say to that. Since no one died today, it's really hard for me to argue that I made anything less than the best decision under the circumstances. But I guess I can't expect anyone else to see it that way, and it would take someone with far more impaired judgment than mine to miss the warning in the Kazmiohn's words.