the lonely hearts club || n.h au

fourteen

Niall has never thought that he would enjoy texting someone as much as he enjoys texting Alexandra nearly every day. But he does and it has somehow slipped its way into his routine subconsciously. He doesn't know how or when it happened but as the weeks pass by, it becomes almost natural for him to start his day with a message for Alexandra and to end it with her being the last person he talks to.

And whenever her name appears on the screen of his phone, a smile would make its way to his lips. He's been doing that a lot too, it seems, and his friends are more than happy to give him shit for it.

To his surprise, it doesn't bother him. Not when Alexandra's messages keep his mind occupied — like how her neighbour got a dog last week and he lets her play with her (Niall had to fight the urge to ask her if her neighbour is single because where the hell did that jealousy come from?) and a couple of days ago she sent him a selfie of her with a cup of coffee with the caption 'your coffee tastes better'.

It's so easy talking to her. And as terrifying it is to admit it, Niall misses her. He misses her, he misses her, he misses her.

They talk every day but it's not the same. He only sees her face in pictures and he only hears her voice in his head — they're not enough. Niall wants more. He yearns for more.

But despite the constant messages exchanged between them, he doesn't find it easy to tell her that. Those three simple words aren't so simple when strung together. They're heavy, they're honest, and they scare the hell out of Niall.

It's much easier to text her and wish her good morning and night, or to ask her if she's eaten or if she's having a good day or bad day. He could tell her that he wants to kiss her, or that she's so beautiful it hurts to look at her, or that he wishes he could see her face, but he could never bring himself to tell her he misses her.

There's something about telling someone that you miss them that makes Niall think twice about it. That makes him erase his message each time he types it, leaving the confession lodged in the crevice of his bones, not to be shared with anyone. It's the vulnerability, he thinks, or maybe it's the truth behind that feeling that he's most scared of. Of what it would mean if he tells her that.

Because up until two weeks ago, this thing — whatever this is between him and her — was supposed to be fake. But now, it's something else entirely. It was supposed to be a front they put up to get people off of their backs. They're to act like a couple in front of everyone but when they're alone, they can be whoever they want to be. They can just be two people who once went to the same school. But they've chosen to be two people who like each other instead. Who text each other constantly.

And as though she can tell he's thinking of her, though he hopes she can't because that'd be far embarrassing, his phone lights up. Alexandra's name appears on his screen. A smile touches his lips.

Alexandra Oh: hey this is probably nothing but i thought i should let you know anyway

Niall Horan: i doubt its nothing, what is it?

Alexandra Oh: i just got a follow request from Breena?

Breena's name puts an indent between Niall's brows, his smile slipping from his face. He hasn't heard from her since she came over to his flat a couple of weeks ago and he'd pretty much told her to leave him alone. Not that he's expecting to hear from her.

Each time he recalls the conversation they shared that day, he'd feel multitudes of emotions, all at once. The guilt of dragging Alexandra into this mess sits alongside the confusion as to why Breena would do this in the first place. It's there with the anger over the entitlement Breena displayed, the claim she made about knowing him better than other people do. The fear of Breena being able to see right through him while he can't even figure out what goes on in her mind because he doesn't think he knows her anymore. But she still knows him and perhaps despite what he thinks, he hasn't changed all that much.