Because of You || Hange x Reader

Chapter 8

Y/N's Pov

I can't sleep. It's probably around 3am now. I keep tossing and turning in bed. Every time I close my eyes I see the massacre all over again, the mission gone wrong. I sobbed for hours in my room when we arrived back to HQ, only a quarter of the Scouts that went out with us living. 

Hange disappeared into her study and I couldn't bring myself to go after her. She had a meeting with Erwin anyway. I didn't go down to dinner either, I haven't eaten since this morning. I feel like everyone hates me, I can't bring myself to look any of them in the eye. 

It's all my fault. 

I should've persuaded them to abandon the mission, I shouldn't have argued to go on for my own selfish agenda. If I had put up a fight and stopped them then maybe those soldiers would still be alive. 

Maybe Hange wouldn't have gotten hurt. She nearly lost her arm out there today. 

The guilt presses down on my chest and I can't breathe. I sit up in bed and put my head in my hands, choking on air. I don't cry, I ran out of tears a while ago, so it's just dry sobs that rack my body. 

I reach for my flask of water but it's empty. I bite my lip, trying to push back the emotions. My stomach growls and I realise I'm starving. I wipe my eyes and roll out of bed. My legs feel weak, aching and sore from the mission. I stumble to the washroom and splash my face with cold water. I shake my head out, releasing a slow breath. 

I grab a jumper off its hanger and pull it over me. It's warm and fuzzy, draping just over my shorts. I shove on my slippers and creep out of my room. The hallway is dark, the only light coming from the crescent moon peaking through curtain-less windows. 

I pad down the hall, careful not rouse any of the other Scouts, all sleeping soundly in their rooms. It takes me a while to make my way to the kitchen, my slippers slap softly off the cold floor. 

I gently ease the door open and slip into the kitchen, switching on the light. I stand there for a moment, thinking about all the soldiers who would never get eat another meal. Then shook myself out of it. 

I heat up the kettle and make myself a cup of tea, sipping it slowly and sitting up on the counter, legs swinging in the air. I grab an apple sitting in a basket to my left and start munching on it. The mixing bowel is drying on the rack, and I think of the time Hange and I made cookies together. 

God, it was so long ago now. I smile sadly, the happy memories washing over me. I remember how cute she looked all covered in flour. I chew my lip, looking at the bag of flour poking out of the cupboard. 

After a moment of contemplation I shrug and sigh, baking always helped me relax anyway. 

I grab the mixing bowel and take out the flour, sugar, eggs, and other ingredients measuring them out and putting them in the bowel. It doesn't take long until the mixture is all made and in little balls on the baking tray. I slot them into the oven, setting the kitchen timer, and start on tidying up. 

By the time I'm finished with the cleaning, the cookies are done. I take them out of the oven, they're piping hot, and put them on a plate. They smell delicious and my mouth starts to water, I feel some of the weight lift of my shoulders. Just a small bit, just for a second. 

I refill my water flask and leave the kitchen, turning off the lights and shutting the door with a soft click behind me. I nibble on one of the cookies as I make my way down the halls. Moving on muscle memory, mind going blank and empty. 

I wander through halls until I stop, looking around and realising that I'm not at my bedroom. I'm outside Hange's office. I blink at her door, at the little plaque engraved with her name on it nailed into the wood.