nothing like us, taekook English version

9: "Without you, my hands get cold, it snows inside me."

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I couldn't think well.

Everything was overlapping, and I certainly couldn't think qualified at the most necessary time.  My head was very full and unfortunately the reason for this fullness was not insignificant things but rather too many important things and that just made everything worse.  As I continued to lie on my bed as I had been doing for a week, I filled my mouth with the help of my parted lips to collect my head with a huge breath;  While my breath was refreshing my moist cheeks and boiling throat for a split second, I pressed my dry crusted lips together, directing my breath directly to my lungs, and causing my wide chest, which was resting under my burgundy sweater, to swell like the breast of a coquettish pigeon.  I kept asking myself if i was wrong when I tightened my eyelids, which had fallen on my irises, to better focus my thoughts, causing my eyes to ache.

Was I wrong to react like that to Taehyung?

No matter how much I thought about it, I could never find myself wronged in any way.  Well, that's probably because I was looking at things through my own window and an outside eye would definitely find me guilty, but wasn't it really hard for me to have a healthy reaction when I was in a state of shock?  A week had passed, a week had passed since that goddamn day, and I still hadn't recovered or come out of the shock.  That being the case, wouldn't it be weird if I gave a non-offensive reaction less than an hour after I had a nervous breakdown that day?

On the morning of that disgusting day, I read my diary and my grudge against Taehyung, which I had been trying to put out for years, which I had even succeeded in claiming the fact that I had matured, arose from the ashes, and a few hours later, I vomited the pus that filled under my tongue and I had not been able to get over them yet, which It took weeks for me to achieve this, and I had a shock three times less than an hour later.  My anger and resentment, which had supported my body for years, begging my will to be overthrown, had suddenly turned into dust because of Taehyung, and I stumbled as I had no hatred to lean on.

Or who am I kidding?  I was totally devastated.

For years, I was walking around with an old rope tied to the chandelier at the other end of my throat so that my feet would be on the ground and I would not fall over, all my strength was taken from me and I was stuck at the bottom of a huge void.  It was a shitty feeling, it was such a shitty feeling that all of a sudden I even questioned how I was going to live after this time, because the ambition that kept me alive was blown away, I realized that the truth that I had been begging for years to not be true was wrong and I swear this is shit it felt.

I had believed a lie for years, I had been without Taehyung for years due to a long series of lies and misunderstandings, filling both my mind and my heart with anger.

And now, when everything I knew was right was wrong, or when the anger I was leaning on was crumbling and causing me to stick to the ground, I certainly could not expect a healthy reaction or be able to stand up at once.

The last time I was in such a shock was again for such a reason, I realized that something I thought was right was wrong;  I thought my father loved me, that's the childhood mind.  That day, when I was beaten for the change I lost, I realized that he didn't really value me at all.  After that day, I had many moments where I could realize this truth better, but none of them made me feel as empty as I realized for the first time, or while I was always dreaming that my father would be a good person, he was actually a bad person and that even if his sick heart was treated, he could not get rid of the tar that covered him. It didn't hurt me as much as when I realized that his mind was full of bigoted thoughts.