-Content Warning: Abuse; Psychological Abuse-
When I started writing this I listened to "To Build A Home" by the Cinematic Orchestra. That's what this was for me. These letters were me wanting to come home. I had forgotten that I'd already given myself a name in this, so I was trying to come up with one, and I'm a sentimental creature who likes to know the meaning of the names I use. I was asking myself how I felt and how I would describe being gone. Ultimately the word I came up with was Missing. I couldn't really find a name that meant missing, at least not on my go-to name site, but that was the only word that really fit how I felt writing this.
I don't mention this very much in the letters, but my mom was very psychologically abusive, and when I would go to work I would always feel loved. I would feel free to be myself and I felt safe there. Ultimately I started coming in on days off just to escape. It wasn't just leaving my job when I had to go into quarantine. It was so much more than that. It was leaving my safe place, leaving my family, and leaving my purpose. Leaving MY purpose. Every time I think about that as I'm writing these, which is a lot, I get tears in my eyes. These aren't just letters. I didn't just write this because I was bored or because I wanted to remember.
I genuinely missed these people. I don't know if the letters can really convey that as strongly as I felt it, and as strongly as I still feel it just from the memories. And I just started tearing up as soon as I started writing this because those really were three of the hardest months of my life. The thought of coming back to these people and feeling cared about and needed and wanted and safe again really did keep me going to a degree beyond words. Missing was really the only word that could accurately describe how I felt throughout that period. Thank goodness for my cat, for the people who were able to keep in touch with over the phone, and for everyone I counted down the days till I could come back to.
I missed them <3
YOU ARE READING
Letters to the Outside World
Non-FictionAt the start of the COVID-19 pandemic I was working in fast food, but about a week after California went into lockdown I had to leave to go into quarantine with my family. I promised I would only be gone for two weeks, but I ended up being gone for...
