Söbriety • Mötley Crüe •

98. Ryan and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Warnings: Drug Use

Ryan's POV
7:46 AM

"How are you feeling today?" I grip the phone tighter in my hand as I rub my forehead, trying to find a way to articulate my feelings.

"Lost, Sharise. I'm just lost." I sigh.

"I know, baby. Me too. Have you been talking to your therapist about it?"

Only every other fucking day.

"Yeah. Ever since Nikki made me go back after the party. It helps, I guess. As much as anything can help. I know it's been a month since she died, but I still can't believe she's gone. Even just saying the word 'died' feels wrong." Tears start to well in my eyes and I have to force them back.

I'm done crying.

I've cried enough and it's time to stop now.

"I know, all of this still feels wrong. How are you doing with everything else?" She clears her throat and I automatically know she means my sobriety.

"I'm okay." I lie.

The small black bag has magically reappeared under my bathroom sink, but she doesn't need to know that.

Nobody does.

Six of the twelve leftover pills of Sebastian's sit in the side pouch of the black bag, waiting to be taken at my most darkest hours. I leave them there as a crutch, just to know that I have an escape plan when I can't stand the ringing in my head anymore.

Kind of like right now.

I don't take them often, but it's not because I don't want to. I just have no idea where I would get more and Slash is no longer an option for multiple reasons.

"You know we owe it to each other to really tell each other everything now, right? We can't have any more secrets between us. We know what that does." She knows I'm lying, but I'm not ready to divulge that bit of information yet.

"I know, babe. Don't worry, I really am okay." I rake my teeth over my bottom lip, hoping for her to drop the conversation.

"Momma!" Wylie beats on the bedroom door before I hear Nikki shush her, and I more than welcome the interruption.

"I'll let you go. I hear your child screaming." She chuckles lightly, a hint of sadness in her voice. "I love you, Ryan. Call me tomorrow?"

"Of course. I love you, Sharise."

I place the phone back onto the receiver and let out a deep breath, flexing my facial muscles so I can put on the fakest happy face for my child that I can muster.

"I'm sorry. She's being a turd." Nikki rolls his eyes when I open the door to see a pissed off Wylie. "She thinks I did her hair wrong."

I tilt my head to the side to inspect the totally crooked ponytail sitting on top of my daughter's head, it's like he was trying to do pigtails but accidentally put all of her hair in one.

"You did do my hair wrong, daddy!" She stomps her foot as she gives her father the evil eye and he throws his hands up in surrender.

"You did kinda fuck it up, Nik." I chuckle, Wylie waving her hands at me as if to say 'I told you so.' "Come on, I'll fix it." I grab Wylie's hand and drag her to the bathroom as she pulls the pony tail out of her hair.

"Momma...we just don't ask daddy to do it, okay?" She shakes her head in disapproval as I lift her on top of the counter and start to brush out her hair. "He don't know how. He's a boy."