The Brightest Star in a Constellation

13: Comfortable Silence

☆ Evan ☆

Pushing myself back to the surface of the water, Claire's expression softens. She grabs my waist to pull me into a hug. For once, she doesn't say anything—she just holds me in place. Her chin rests against my shoulder.

When she lifts her face, the pause extends between us. Her eyes are so grey that they look white, as reflective as a mirror.

"You don't have to worry about me," I mumble.

"I am worried," Claire replies. She moves an inch closer, and my vision doubles, then triples. Her eyelashes flutter when she approaches, her mouth closing over mine. The kiss barely lasts a second; it's chaste, and she's pulling back before I can get lost in it. "Talk to me."

I already tried that. I slowly swim back to shore, laying on the sand. Claire's arms fasten around me—she's not that much shorter than I am, so she settles by wrapping her legs around my chest to bring our bodies as close as possible. She's shivering from the chilly water. When she moves in to kiss me again, her fingers hook into my shirt, and I hastily push my hand against her arm.

"Claire," I say, and her eyes widen.

She pulls back from me like I've burned her. "What is going on with you, Evan?"

There's anger hidden in her tone. If I didn't know her well, I wouldn't be able to notice the way her eyes crinkle, the way she grinds her teeth and stares at me, vacantly.

"What are you doing?" I reply.

"What am I doing? What are you doing? That's the better question. Because I thought you wanted this."

"Oh." I untangle myself from Claire and put some distance between us, scraping a hand through my hair. "I'm really not in the right... headspace for that. It's not that..."

I can't even force myself to complete that sentence. Claire tilts her head at me, but there's nothing I can tell her that would explain it. Besides the truth, but I've never been the best at admitting that.

"We've been dating for three years. I was okay with going slow before, but this is just getting annoying," Claire points out. "If there's something bothering you, I would rather you tell me now."

I place my hand on my forehead. This is the opposite of what I expected. "Claire, what do you expect we're going to do once we graduate?"

She blinks. "Are you serious?"

"Yes." Contrary to what she seems to think, it's the most important question I've had to ask her. It's also a subject we both continue to avoid.

"Well," she starts warily, "I put in my application to Dalhousie a few days ago. My major is undecided right now. I don't know, I might do nursing. I thought we were both going together."

"Yeah, about that. I don't think I want to do that anymore. Actually, I don't know what I want to do, in the first place." Thinking about university makes my stomach tie in knots. It doesn't seem optional. Do I even want to go through the motions of applying for nothing?

Claire's face falls. "I didn't know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be pressuring you. Nobody said we have to do the same thing. It's not a requirement. It was... it would be the easiest way to stay together." Her chin raises to look me in the eye. "I don't know what that means, then."