The Brightest Star in a Constellation

Author's Note + Covers

Once I have finished typing these words, The Brightest Star in a Constellation will (finally) be complete.

I have so much to say about this story that I almost don't know where to start. Like I mentioned in my notice chapter, I was never able to finish any previous draft of TBSINC. The version of Brightest Star that existed in 2017 was the furthest I ever got in terms of progress. At the time, it was the longest story I'd ever written.

This book has always been very important to me. Writing this was sometimes a cathartic experience. All of the characters are inspired by real people. Sometimes just people I have had brief experiences with—and sometimes, people who have said the same things to me that Carolyn says to Evan. This book is a love letter to every part of me. It wouldn't exist without being fundamentally linked with who I am. I think, for a while, that was part of why it wasn't working: because I wasn't ready to write it. To be honest with myself. I was in high school when I started that original draft, and it was long before I recognized a lot about myself. I didn't want to admit that I was like Evan; pursuing friendships that weren't genuine, hiding the parts of me that weren't pretty, and pretending that I didn't have to acknowledge it.

Peter's journey with mental health has always mimicked mine, even before I knew how to define what I felt. I got diagnosed with anxiety when I was around his age, and I am still currently waiting to be tested for other reasons. (Future me coming back to edit this: hello, past me. Hi. Remember when you were doing research for Peter's character arc and felt like a lot of it was relatable? Yeah... about that... guess who is also not neurotypical 🤦) This aspect of the story is very important to me, and I always hope that his feelings can be helpful to someone in the same position. If Evan is my past self, then Peter is a love letter to the current and future version of me.

When I stopped writing that original draft, it was because of the romance. I had very little experience with writing it. As I drew closer to having to write a happy ending, I found that I couldn't.

I had these two broken characters, (and it's always been tough to figure out what I wanted to do with Evan) but I assumed that bringing them together would fix it. It would be that version of love that was messy and self-destructive. It would never work because neither of my characters was ready for it. Neither was I. I was worried I would fall into the same trap with the current version of TBSINC. But it hasn't, thankfully, because I didn't want Evan and Peter to fix each other, and I didn't want Evan to forget about what happened to him—to just bury the lede for the sake of the romance.

Of course, I love them together with all my heart. But they're my teenaged definition of love. And sometimes, it ends with uncertainty.

I know that the ending is ambiguous, and to be honest, this was not what I had originally planned.

The original ending, (long before that unfinished draft in 2017) included Evan and Peter driving off into the sunset, and it belonged to a completely different story. If you can believe it, it was an apocalyptic romance with aliens. (Yes, really!) I tried to showcase this 'version' of the characters through Nicole's game while keeping it connected to the main theme about being able to know someone (and having to choose between freedom and the safety of a routine).

The epilogue chapter encompasses my thoughts on what I would do with these characters in the aftermath: Evan making amends with what happened to him. Peter taking that road trip. Elaine being happy with her band. And what happens after that, I'm still not sure.

A lot has changed since the beginning of this idea. I didn't have any motivation to continue it, at all, until I went through a document filled with my unfinished stories. I thought about the aspects of my writing that I enjoyed, specifically choosing stories that I had posted to my profile and then removed. For Brightest Star, I noted that the setting had potential. My issues with the story in its state at the time were that it had basically no plot and that the important events, (such as Peter going to the party at the beginning, and Claire breaking up with Evan) happened off-screen.