Baby, Baby, Baby

Fifteen

Amanda Pov

I went to the doctors as I hadn't been feeling any better in a couple weeks, (which was slightly worrying, I'm not gonna lie to ya here), so I booked it so that I had peace of mind, (if that was even possible, though with the prediction, it wasn't looking good Babes).

I was on the phone to Danny, as he knew that I hadn't been feeling great these last couple weeks, and I needed someone who would actually listen to my fear of anything medical, and Danny would, (plus it was actually getting closer and closer to Sammy's 7th birthday, so that had me on edge too).

"I don't know if I can stay to find out Danny"
"Babe, it's probably migraines or something, I promise that it won't be anything too serious"
"You can't promise me that Daniel"
"If it's anything really serious, I'll move us to somewhere stupidly sunny"
"I'll burn to a crisp and so will Sammy"
"Do you have to shoot down every idea I have Mandy"
"No, just the unrealistic ones"
"That's literally all of them according to you Babe"
"I'm a pessimist, what do you expect?"
"Babe you literally came to the land of dreams-"
"For safety Daniel, not for chasing the American dream, you should know that I'm not a dreamer by now"
"I probably should know that by now, but I'm optimist"
"Yeah well you married a pessimist"

Waiting rooms seem to just ooze out impending doom and most of the time there's no reason for it, (of course it could be because it's not guaranteed that there's nothing), it felt like forever until they called my name here, (though they did do some scans and all that), it was probably made worse by me not telling Toby what I was doing at the hospital, (but he didn't need any of this on his shoulders at the time Babes).

"Amanda Anderson"
"Babe I gotta go, they've just called my name"
"It'll be ok, no matter the result"
"Ok, I love you"
"I love you too"

So I hung up and went into the Doctor's office, hoping for somewhat good news, but knowing that it was probably not good news here, (I mean I went because whatever I had wasn't going away at all Babes), I was trying not to panic myself though as that would've made things worse, (not that anyone could make any of this better, but I didn't need it to get any worse than it was).

"I've had a look over your scans, God I'm so sorry"
"What is it?"
"You have brain cancer"

I wasn't expecting that, (though who expects fucking brain cancer?), I was trying to wrap my head around it and failing at it, so much so that I asked how it was, (even though it's fucking brain cancer, it couldn't have gotten much fucking worse), and distracting myself with asking the doctor questions about the cancer did absolutely nothing for the near constant nausea that decided to settled in my throat and stomach, (yeah the phone call to Danny didn't really work in the end, though I love that he really tried).

"How bad is that?"
"It's stage 3"
"That's not good"
"There's treatments-"
"Will they actually work?"

I knew what the answer was, I also knew that it would've been pointless to actually take treatment because of what my Aunt Dotty had predicted would happen to me after Sammy's 7th birthday, but I genuinely needed to hear it come from a professional that I was gonna die, (yes, it's weird, I know that).

"They can help but there's no cure for it"
"Then I don't want it, will I have enough time to get my affairs in order"
"Yes"
"Ok, thank you"

I walked back to my car and hoped that it wouldn't fully hit me until after I picked Sammy up from school, knowing that I wasn't gonna be that lucky, (she deserves better than me unloading all of this shit onto her, so I was hoping for a cry in the hospital car park alone at least).

I got into the car, with the intention to drive to myself home before I had to get Sammy from school, and instead of driving home, I started to sob my eyes out, (which opened up a whole can of worms as I didn't know how much I wanted to live before then, and knowing that it couldn't be was even harder to bare).

The floodgates fucking opened and I didn't even notice that all these feeling needed to be let out until it hit me like a ton of bricks, (which I didn't know what to do with these feelings that I had), as before now, it was just fact that I was going to die, and I thought that I had accepted it that I didn't ever consider that I didn't want to die, (I had feelings on missing out on Sammy's life, but me actually wanting to live wasn't a part of that until this point in time).

I cried and cried and cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore, and then I cried still, I didn't think that I could cry this much, I'm going to miss so much of Sammy's life and it's not fair, (while I had feelings about missing Sammy's childhood, it didn't fully hit me until this diagnosis).

I drove to get Sammy from school, (yeah I had been crying for so long that I had to pick Sammy up from school), I probably shouldn't have driven, but I needed to get Sammy from school here, I was trying to calm myself down so that I didn't let on to Sammy that I had been crying, because she's just a baby and she shouldn't have to worry about her Mama, ya know, (maybe I'm letting my own trauma cloud my judgement here, but I didn't want to give her half the trauma that I have from growing up).

Sammy got into the car and she looked like the world was gonna end, but turns out she could tell that I had been crying, (I felt fucking awful about it but I couldn't do anything about it), but I couldn't tell her that I was going to die, (firstly that would be fucking cruel of me, and secondly I'm not telling a child what I can't tell her Dad).

"Are you okay Momma?"
"Yeah Baby, I'm okay"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, why's that Buba?"
"You look like you've been crying a lot"

I really didn't know how to navigate this whole situation, (who actually knows how to navigate this shit?, not me), as I didn't want to blurt out 'By the way I'm fucking dying', as that's going to going to scar her for the rest of her life, and there was already going to be the fact I'm dead stacked against her here, so I decided to tell her that I had really bad hay fever, (which isn't entirely a lie as I do have hay fever, it's just not the entire truth).

"I'm ok, I promise you that it's just hay fever Baby"
"Ok, do you want a tissue before we go home?"
"Yes please Baby"

So I drive us home, trying not to cry again so that Sammy wouldn't suspect that I was hiding anything, (she's really clever for a nearly 7 year old, ok, sue me), which was fucking hard, as I was literally so so close to crying again, (but I kept telling myself that if I couldn't keep it together with Sammy in the car, then how was I supposed to keep it from Danny?).