Keyframe

You Can't Go Home Again

"You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood...back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting, but which are changing all the time – back home to the escapes of Time and Memory."

- "You Can't Go Home Again," Thomas Wolfe (1940)

Lillian

"Ms. Bennett, I'm just trying to—"

"That's Mrs. Bennett, you ugly girl! Is it so hard for you to get it through that thick skull of yours that I take pride in having my husband's last name?"

I flinch at my Nana's words, even though I'm sitting in the hallway outside of her room and not even the target of her complaints. My dad, grandpa, and uncle's voices step in to calm her down, but her usual irritability isn't making me any more eager to finally step into her room.

I've been hiding out in the hallway for 20 minutes, still leery to come back from the "bathroom break" I took the second we got here. While my parents and Zach went right inside the hospital room, I still can't bring myself to face my Nana. Not after I gave her the world's biggest middle-finger by running away from the life she so meticulously conditioned me for.

I bury my face in my knees, taking a deep breath in and out while squeezing my eyes shut.

The atmosphere of the hospital: the chill, the white noise, and the clean, sterile smell—they also bring back unwelcome memories for me. The last time I was in a hospital in New York City...the thought almost makes me sick to my stomach.

Jordan came to visit Nana yesterday and "loosened her up" to the idea of seeing me, in his words. He's her golden child, if not by blood—she'd hear me out, listen to whatever I say, as long as he was by my side.

But, strangely, I don't want Jordan to hold my hand or tell me it was going to be okay. I want Alex—and that feeling is still a little new to me, especially in this setting. He texted me when his flight landed in the wee hours of this morning, but I told him to get as much sleep as he needs. I'm regretting that right now.

I swing my phone back and forth by two fingers, head still hidden in my arms. Should I? No, I shouldn't. It's seven in the morning—even if Alex can run on a few hours of sleep, he walked in a fashion show and took a three-hour flight last night. Although he's a master of appearing otherwise, he's just a human. Even he has to have limits. Right?

I mull it over for a few more seconds before throwing all caution to the wind and calling him anyway. I stare at the floor between my legs as it rings, disappointed but not surprised when it goes to voicemail. There's a few seconds and then a beep, giving me virtually no time to decide if I want to leave one or not.

"Um...I know I said that I didn't need you to come until lunch, but..." I swallow, taking a breath before continuing. "My relationship with my Nana is...complicated, and I don't know how to face her again, or even what to do. And I know you're probably busy, and that this isn't your issue to handle, but I could just—really, really, use you here with me."

I close my eyes as I hang up, resting my phone on my knee, but a familiar voice makes me lift my head.

"You summoned me, mortal?"

I glance to the right, not believing my ears, and make direct eye contact with—

"Holy shit! Someone needs to put a bell on you." I cover my chest to slow my racing heart, looking away from Alex's brilliant amber gaze. "I thought you were supposed to be sleeping."