A fateful encounter

Entry 2

I had many thoughts.. so many that I could barely function. Now, that I decided to write for you, it seems as if my mind is hazy.  I can hear a piano being played near me, and the feeling from before returns. As you said, saying I miss you is better than saying I love you. So the only thing I will say is ,,I miss you".

Entry_2
It became so easy for me to lie. Since I was a kid, I had to fake a smile in front of those that hurt me. That is something I have to fight with even now. I hate how I am calm when I listen to your voice, because that means that I allowed myself to care for someone on that level. I hate how you died, and that the only way to talk to you is while thinking of you. I hate that you had to feel that way, and that I am always feeling that way. Then I hate how you had the right to die, while I am here, trying to control my every thought. I had fought with myself a lot, so much that I am filled with hate and anger. I am smiling a lot, but how much of that is real. With others I am crying inside but showing only a clear smile, but with you I can weep like a hurt animal. I miss you, I truly do. I have gotten a lot better, so instead of  constantly drowning, water of those thoughts suddenly fill me. Tapping my fingers as if I am playing the piano does not help, and I think of you, my only help, but I feel even worse because of your feelings, that were the final snap of your life.
If I could I would exchange my life for yours. Moon is here with me, you and colour blue. All that is you. I decided long ago, getting close to people only means pain, not love, for you can never trust someone fully. I can't allow myself to get close to someone, for someone to talk to me and read me. It is like before. I was a friend but I never had a friend, so I should just be by myself, talking to you and the moon, looking at statues of angels instead of seeing you, and spend my time like that, until I leave this place. By keeping me in life you lost yours, but you are the only one for whom I would not care if I was ripped and cut to shreds. I thought before ,,why am I so weird?", but am I really? I don't mind it, and that's what matters. I can deal with myself by myself, I have to hang on for myself and others. Even those who know something can't know any more. I can't let myself be loved, and it seems like I have to remind myself of that. Why do I suddenly feel the need to tell someone and show my scars to someone? I am a lot better, so why suddenly? You are the only one who knows my every cut and urge, my tries to get myself stronger and feel less. It is not that I am not loved, but just like you said in your parting letter, the problem is in me. But you ended it, I can never, not because I am a coward, but if anything, because of you. Someone who saved me but brought me pain. Someone who gave me moon and love, who I learned a lot from, and a.. voice, feel and tone that can calm me down and put me to sleep. How come it was you all along? How come that just when I realised who you truly are to me, and your hardships, that despite how far we were, I didn't get to send you a letter, but instead received worst news in my life, worst letter that I keep with me, your passing letter. I can talk to and about you on and on, I can keep drawing and painting you, listening to your recored voice and look at you pictures. Sing along with you and your warmth. God I miss you. But I can't bring you back, and even If I would like for you to breathe again, I would never want you to be in pain. You did well, so as you said, I am sending you off with a smile. I can keep my tears to myself, if your well. If you are truly happy, then I won't fear death either, and I will be happy too. I closed myself off from people long ago, they always betray me and leave me behind, so it is for the best. Even my family can't help me, I won't let that happen. I will be alright, I still have you and myself. I will figure things out on my own, get fully better, deal with myself, and you are here to keep me in check and help me get out of my hell. The worst is the moment when at the end of the day I am alone, or simply alone. When I am all alone with my own thoughts. The moment I get angry or sad, when my arms get weak I know that it won't be easy to help myself. I can not think of anything, but it is as if the feelings have a shadow or a colour of their own, as if my feelings are a fog that won't leave me alone. But what to do, I could not think about you for in that state I would cry, but I got so weak that I could not help myself. Surprisingly, as you probably saw, I got lots of hugs from a friend, which makes me smile and relax. But I can't help thinking that that was not supposed to happen. I can't let anyone in. I was soo weak to do that, to let someone see a tiny peace of me. How could I, I am supposed to be alone, I can't let anyone in. If I do end up in a moment like you, where I hope to be saved but still end my life, just if. I can't let anyone be hurt. But people leave me before they even get to see me, I can't help than think that I am better of on my own. I am fine with you alone. I am stupid not for wanting someone to know, but for letting myself want that alone.
Right, thank you for coming to my dream those few times. It was relaxing to see you smile, listen to music, hear you talk, see your eyes and be in your presence. Be it from across the street or in the same space. Thank you, angel, for everything. I am stupid for depending on you, but If I didn't have you then my family wouldn't have had me either. God damn it. I don't want to say I miss you because I am supposed to be fine without you, so that I can let you go. But is it really real? No more photos of you, no more of your singing, no more eyes. Heck, all that is left of you are bones. You..you. how is that possible. I want to think that it is all a dream, that help arrived to your place a bit earlier, that you didn't think that it was your fault, that you.. just didn't feel the way you did. I wish that life was different so that I could take your pain, help you swim up from the water, even if that meant that I had no more air or life of my own, that I were to sink and stay at the bottom of the ocean. Oh, the irony. But that is not the case, in my dream I saw you walking on the rails, and then the next thing I know, I see you in the water, unmoving. When I woke up, for days I tried the same, but my water is not like yours, my pushed me up. I was aware that that would happend, but just for a moment at least, I wished to stay like that and see you better. Instead I did what I love the most in water. Dived, far and deep. Irony again, you died and I dived. Who knew, that your death could have so much impact and change me so much. Because of you, I looked at things I didn't dare look at before, and saw my place in them. Found my place in them. I shall thank you again? Haahaha, don't worry, if you are at all. I will get even better with time, I will try my best to leave this place and be happy, without my thoughts and hell. My new friend read two songs of mine and told me that he can see that I am lacking love. I am not. People loved you too, but you found yourself at fault. I am at fault too. For everything that happened. I am the one that doesn't let myself be loved. It's ok tho, for now I will let myself be hugged, just for a short while. You were too. But you left the world, and the world will leave me. Just for a short while, I can be hugged, right? Why does my head hurt, why am I hurting myself. You know it, right? Ha, this is all stupid. Hoping to tell someone. That is my problem. No matter what, at the end I will be alone. If not because of others, it will be because of myself. I am my own doom. No happiness lasts for too long for me, nor did you. You are the only one who I would let in, and that shall be it. My family would be hurt, and others would leave. Who can deal with me? No one wants broken pieces. But I am not even that. With fire I fixed it that night, you know it. No scars seeable from that. I didn't even feel the burning sensation. I was soo deep into it that I don't even remember clearly, whether I have cried or not, I just remember grasping the cloth, heat and somewhat cold, and then I drifted of to sleep. Just like that night, no matter what, every day I should get up, smile and move on. It is not safe in my head, but as long as I am aware that I am in control of everything, I will be fine. Ha, I have revealed too much to the person I had just met. But never mind, I can't afford to hurt myself over that too. That person too will just disappear like others. I just hope that I am not bothering your soul. If I am, then even if I am hanging on because of you, with a smile I will let you go. I will take care of myself. And if in that moment I can't, like you, the oh well. I guess we would meet. Or not, you were good, I am not. I have sent you a few messages and pictures of the moon by the way, tho you have probably seen it. It feels like at moments you suddenly appear next to me, and are watching over me. I am sorry, for not being able to help you. I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry. How I wish it were all a dream. I just.. for today I will say once again.

I miss you