A fateful encounter

Entry 5

Entry_5

I am still waiting on the bus stop.

I finished writing Entry_4, only to look at the side, sad because I can't listen to your voice only because I had thought that I had earphones on me.
I looked to the side only to see, a bunch of kids jumping around, playing, talking, having fun and enjoying each others presence.

I just thought, how nice it must be for them. Even if their life is not great, they are still talking to you, enjoying their youth.
Then older people, most of them have someone they love and care about, someone to go on a walk with. Somewhere to go. Kids are inoccent as they should be.

Since I was a kid, I  had known about some things that I was not supposed to know of. I grew up with a different mindset, trying to fight on my own, take care of everything on my own, save myself on my own.

I grew used to saying ,,it's alright", even when it wasn't alright.
Laughing faces that stared at me while I was breaking.
Happy faces that I see, while I am struggling.
It always seems to end badly for me.
It seems like you are the only one that stayed till the end, and that is parhaps because you are dead. If you were alive, I doubt that you would stay with me. I am a bad person. It is ok tho. One does not fall in love under the condition that their love is to be returned.
It seems so even now. I am the only one in love.

And if I were to tell that person just in how much pain I am, I already know the answer.

,,It is your fault"

,,You did it"

,,All that happened is because of you"

I am weak if I can't handle that.

I brought that upon myself, so I shouldn't be wanting a hug and comforting words. Especially now that the person I love the most hates me the most. Those words..
,,I don't want to hear her name". They sound simple, but I felt this.. ache. Ha. I tried so much and for so long. I was doing soo well, numbing myself from all the feelings and people, expectations, hurt. From all the eyes. I became able to manipulate, but I am still siting here, lost and hurt. It is good to others that I feel, as that is a proof that I have a heart.

It is not good for me. If I feel, then I don't think that I will survive. Just like you. And don't feel as if you had encouraged me to die, no. I saw a lot of things since I was little, and I guess that that added to me growing up before my time. I had those thoughts even five years ago. Two years ago. The year you died has been the worst. Actually, then I started healing, but it was around that time that I saved myself from you know what.

By the way, I kept wondering why I am feeling weak. Is it because I am not eating and drinking properly? No. It is because of me. Those words of pain that won't stop shooting at me, have wounded my heart. My chest feels off. I feel off. Because I allowed myself to be aware that they are hurt? Because the one I love despises me? Can't even see me? Hear me? Hear my name?

Ha, may I be damned. All that fight only to be separeted from them too. When from the start I was doing everything for them. That is the aftermath of me feeling, me being hurt. I can't allow myself that any more. I gotta stay alone.

I agree with your words.

I feel like a dog that was born a human by mistake.

I was given a lot, but I am not for this world.